My Unborn Child

When I sat quietly in my room, your image came across my mind. And slowly but sure, my tears rolled on my cheek. The palpitating bosom came upon me, and I couldn't breathe for a moment.

I remember every moment that I spent with you and your mother. I reminisce the time when we decided to pick a name for you, right after we found out that you are a boy. Your mum insisted give you a western name, while I really wanted to name you Seto. Yea, Seto, after the main character of Burung-Burung Manyar by Mangunwijaya. He stroke my soul the first time I read the book. A very strong character who believed in himself. Ready to face the consequences of every path he took, even brave enough to admit his mistake when he knew that he is wrong. And at the end, he remained unmarried and took care of his lover's boy.

Herbumi, your last name came from two Javanese words, Her and Bumi. Her means water, and bumi means earth. The combination of those two elements will create and nurture life itself. From the womb of mother earth, the seed will find the warmth and grow into life. However, without the water, any seed will not be able to grow bigger. This is where her takes part.

Those philosophies formed your complete name. Alexander Setadewa Herbumi.

Your mother and I talked about you the whole time. We were really expecting you, full of love. We planned everything, everything. Our friends knew all about you, pouring their hearts to you. Supporting me and your mom.

I sacrificed my time to take care of you, considering my busy schedule back then. I was still in my sixth semester, got so many classes and assignments. Teachings, projects, as well as having my SPD classes. But I didn't feel tired at all. I did them all for you, for my son.

I already imagined how will I spend my life with you, how will I play together with you, teach you how to be a real man, have a conversation about man's problem. I might not be perfect, but I will try to be the best dad you ever met.

But God's plan is not our plan. We arrived into that fateful moment, and POOF! All of our dreams faded away in an instant. You were gone. I might still be young and restless back then, but I do care about you. People might say that my problem was over with your departure from our life.

Ah, what do they know? It was one of the biggest loss in my life. My child, my son! And at the same time I lost you, I lost your mom as well. We were drifted apart by the loss, the tears created a great rift between us.

Well, who am I lamenting here? But I couldn't help but recalling you. Chanting your name in every second of my prayer. Revisiting you in my every dream each night. What I can do right now is only praying for you, realizing that even though you are gone from this material world, you will not forget your parents. I believe with my own heart, that you will watch over us. And you went first to prepare special place for us, and that one day we will be together again. In eternity.....

Bye, Seto.....

Nostalgic Moment

It was in the Interpreting class, and I decided to open the class by playing an Indonesian song. What my students had to do was interpreting the Indonesian lyric into English lyric. And the song was “Sekitar Kita” by Krakatau. A quite old song, dated back to 1997. Wew, it was 13 years ago. Actually the real reason of choosing the song was because it is not a mellow love song, and it is full of social message.

When I played the song, my mind returned back to elementary school. The song hypnotized me, arousing many memories of my childhood. It is a jingle for my small group of friends back then. No, even when we gather, sometimes we still sang the song.

I remembered when we still donned the red and white uniform, thinking nothing other than study and play. The moment when innocence was still in the air. All we know were friends and foe, black and white.

A small group with the name that is not changed up to now, which FYI a bit embarrassing right now, The Greatest Kids. Hehehe! But we are no longer kiddos, we’re grown up. One of us suggested that we keep the name, since we have to maintain the “kiddos” side within ourselves, to balance the suffering of the world with the cheerfulness.

Acted like a group of superheroes, we decided to create a code name for each of us. Silly idea, but we worked that out. In fact, we still remember those names we created from parodizing the name of famous figures. I assume the identity of Michelangelo Bakarroti (a parody of Michelangelo Bounaroutti) myself. Caessar, the first ranker of the class, took the coat of Chriskapurbarus Colombus (taken from the founder of Puerto Rico). Cing-cing, the tough girl as well as warrior princess wannabe, went with the code Ledeng Van Betetman (this one is a bit tough, Ludwig Van Beethoven). The princess of the class, Agita, was given the honorary title of Marie Mencuri (taken from Marie Curie). The most feminine girl among us, Liana, inherited the name of Hellen Kolor.

Ah, the memories! But the song was ended, and I had to reassume my role as the lecturer in the class. My memories faded. I was dragged back into reality. The song still lingered In mind, though.

Slama dunia masih berputar,
Perbedaan tak pernah pudar,
Terbawa keangkuhan manusia
Tak ingin membagi rasa…….

Silly Complaint

I happen to stumble on a ridiculously hilarious comment in readers' letter at KOMPAS. It was about the movie Inglerious Basterds. Yeah, the one with the Brad Pitt.

The lady who wrote that (and again, it is always lady who wrote those silly complaints!) emphasized on the children. Yep! She went to the movie theatre and saw that some parents brought their children to watch the movie. The movie itself, turned out to be vulgar and violent. Well, it is a movie about WW II, for God sake!

To make things worse, this lady claimed that it was the responsibility of the censor board to make the movie suitable for all audience. Ummm, knock knock! Have you heard about film rating? PG-13? 17+? M?

I agree that those violence should not be watched by the children. But it is completely the responsibility of the parents, not the responsibility of the censor board! @(*#^@*#&*&#(%#%#%$% What were you thinking, lady? Putting all the blame into the government and leave the stupid parents innocent? The parents should know that it is not a film for children, and thus they should leave the children. However, they should also give extra guidance to the children.

Imagine if the censor board cut all the violent and vulgar scenes.. It will be like watching porn without all the sexual acts. Hehehehehehe!

Dear Past

Dear past,

How are you? I hope you found your home already, no longer staying at my own room. I already got so many baggage here, and yours cannot possibly fit here. It was a hard goodbye several months ago. It was kinda sad to see you leave this small room o'mine. We've been together for 11 years, and you've been the one accompanied me during my state of solitude, just when I needed someone to resort to. You kept giving me this ray of hope, which later I found out to be nothing more than a mere illusion. But I still have to acknowledge for our time together.

No, we had no quarrel. I still remember the separation, when I decided that I need to go out of this small chamber within my head. That I need to free myself from my addiction to you. You gave me euphoria, pleasure, and delirium. But I couldn't have them all, only in my head. They were and never real. And we decided to live our own life separately.

However, recently two of my best friends came and said something about you. They reminded me of you, of that old story, of that 11-year-of-togetherness. Both of them posted something in the facebook and dedicated those writings to me. Reading those, I couldn't help but reminisce about you.
Interestingly, both posts are related to angel, the fallen angel and the wingless one. Ah, it brought back memories, memories of the most beautiful angel ever. The one that seized my heart back then. Well, one friend of mine once said that man can only "fall in love" once in his life. If that's true, I think I already spent that chance. Ah, I think you know this story. We used to talk about this thing for the whole night long. A beautiful tale of sincerity, of loving and letting go, of being overshadowed and useless await.

Ah, I think I unearthed those sweet stories already. Too sweet that it aches. It came back from the ghost of the remembrance into a silhouette of the mind. But ever since you left, I was able to see through the things clearly. She might be my angel, but she is not the only angel in this world. Probably my first angel, the fallen and wingless one, but I don't think she would be my last.

Well, I think I mumbled too much. I just hope for your safety, wherever you are. Don't worry, even though we don't live under the same roof again, I will still pay you a visit once or twice. We've been friends, haven't we? Why should I erase my memories of you?

Just be good in your new place, dear. Please, take care of my strong but innocent wingless fallen angel.

Regards,

Chrysogonus Siddha Malilang

Teaching and Orgasm

Darn, it's been a long time since I touch this blog of mine. All the teaching, classes, and corrections had successfully made me away. Not even a time to enjoy myself completely. But I DID manage to sneak time to play with my Nintendo DS and Megaten.... What a perfect lecturer I am... Hwahahahahahahaha... Good God, playing game during a break in the common room? THAT'S MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

But anyway, strange thing that I found, I don't really feel exhausted doing all the teaching thingies. Tired? Of course, physically. But to be honest, I felt this mental satisfaction. It doesn't feel like I'm working, but I am playing a game instead. I enjoy every moment standing in front of the class, every time I joked around, every time I stare at my students' face.

I think you can say that I am fortunate enough, I work in the place that I like best. For example, other people might bitched around if they got to teach 5 classes in a day, from 7 in the morning to 8 at nite. And three out of five classes were 6 hours in a row. From 2 to 8... Breaking time.... At first, I thought that I couldn't make it. But turned out, I ENJOOOY IT!!!!

Writing class, seeing those smiling faces when I said I gave them 6 hours for the test. Reading class, all the new and spirited faces, along with some cute and young faces (Bwahahahahaha, teteup!!!). Pronunciation class, which turned out to be very fuuuun.. As well as two intermediate classes... With some cute faces and curves (Wkwkwkwkwk, I know it might sound so vulgar..... Peace!!!)

I don't know why, but teaching gave me a mental orgasm....

So dear blog readers (like I have any?????), till next time, when my teaching orgasm subside.... CIAOOOOO!!!!!!

A Lone Nerd

It was a hot noon, and my stomach growled already. The first of the month, so my paycheck was in hand. I decided to have my lunch at McDonald. It has been years since I went to that junkie-fast-food restaurant. I was just curious on how it tasted. This tongue of mine has already forgot it.

And so I went there all alone. As usual, dwelling in my own solitude. People might stare at me, a single guy entering McD without any friend. Well, I get used to it already, with all those staring and mocking glance. True, at that time I was the only one who came alone. No friend, no girlfriend. Meanwhile, everybody else was coming with at least one company.

Hell! That's what I thought. Hell with all those stigmas! I am here to eat and I pay, nothing embarassing, I said in mind.

Ordering french fries, fried chicken, and a glass of coke, I directly went into a table, just near the corner. While I browse through the whole restaurant, my prediction was true. Nobody came alone, except me..... Ah, crap! Let me just eat mine. This hunger within me unleashed giant beast already.

It came to me that another new guy came. Clean, neat, nerdy-look, along with a serious face. Y'know that kind of guy. He came alone and ordered the same menu. Went into the table in the very corner, he ate those alone. His face focused on the meal, ignoring all the degrading glance from everybody else. Yes, the attention of those attendants shifted from me to him.

At that split second, when I saw him, I saw myself. He is me, just like me. A lone nerd who enjoy himself. Ignoring what people said or thought. The most important thing, we did no wrong. That's it. Period. Nothing to be ashamed of, then.....

I smiled myself, a smile for my own. There was a slight of joy arose within me. I am not the only one standing against people's 'norm'.

So, whoever you are, Mr. Nerd-in-the-corner-of-McD-Jenderal-Sudirman-who-looked-confident-and-ignoring-those-stare-and-glance, just know that you are not alone. And I am not alone as well.

Jigoku Sensei

Again, I couldn't fulfill my resolution to write often in this blog. All the teaching preparations eat my time. I enjoyed them though. Teaching has been my passion for long. And this writing will be about teaching.

Jigoku Sensei is a Japanese anime about Nube. A special teacher with spiritual power. He loves his students so much that he would do anything to protect them. Most of the case, he dealt with demon and ghost.

I won't say that I possess similar power. Nope! But several weird cases happened to me. The most recent one happened just a while ago.

It was the last class, 6 PM. Something happened, so I had to move to another class. A small one, in the corner of the hallway. I kinda like the classroom though. Sometimes, if I got a break, I went to the room and going online there. Especially because it is located near the router. Quite cozy in the noon. The chair was comfortable, semi-sofa. And only eight of them was there.

For that class, I only have 3 students. The other three has resigned. A perfect condition, eh? You have a small classroom, small number of students, and space.. The material for that day was conversation. Voila!

Wrong! I have a full class! All the chairs are full. Other "things" were there. Nope, don't imagine scary things. They looked very normal, just like your ordinary students. They joined the class, and really study. I don't even fill the chill. However, outside the classroom, I sensed many of them want to join the class. They peeked from the window. There's no way I could let them in. No more place for them.

Jiah! When the class is over, those "people" smiled at me and vanished into thin air. They looked happy. Later on, I found out that some of my friends who taught in that class was often "disturbed". They were always freaked out.

Wew, reflecting on my previous experience, they just want to study. The more open we are to them, the more peaceful they will be. And out of the people, why did they choose me??

PS : This was the fourth time for me to teach "these people". Am I too passionate in teaching that they choose me to be their teacher?

Silly Act......

Darn, I leave my blog for more than a month... So much to do, so little time. That's my I didn't update this blog of mine for long. (Owh, that's a lame excuse! Get your ass back to the computer and start writing!!!)

Oh-kay, let's start the story. Few weeks earlier, I received a phone call from my ex-Study Program. They asked me to be a part-time lecturer there, since they lacked of lecturer. Some of them are going abroad to pursue the doctoral degree. To be honest, I was so surprised and excited that I felt like jumping around the house.

And some times later, I went to the common room complete with the formal clothes. Shirt, tailored pants (Ugh, how I hate this one! If only I could, I would teach wearing blue jeans!!!!), and cats shoes (yes, this one, I cheated!). People started staring at me with wonder. I didn't need to be a telepath to read their mind. "Aw, that senior of mine finally made it into a lecturership!" Huahahahahahahaha!

I spent my time trying to mingle with other lecturers in the common room. Acted very busy in front of my beloved BenQ, and finishing the snack there! Finished with everything there, I bade farewell to everybody.

Then I saw her in front of common room, my old friend who happened to have her birthday few days before. I got excited and ran to her. She saw me and smiled. But then it happened! The slippery floor combined with my slippery shoes brought me out of control. My coordination system failed me!!!

And BOOOOM! I fell down with an embarrassing pose. So very cartoonish! Ouch, I looked around and fortunately, only senior students were there. If only my students were there, how would they react?? Darn!!!! For the first time in a long time, I am feeling the embarrassment! Yuck!!!!

Jakarta Ranting #4 : The Forgotten Moon

Yes, as much as I hate Jakarta, I decided to go to the accursed city for my holiday last week. Purely for holiday, without any other businesses to take care. My dear friends invited me to relieve my stress there, and they promised to bring me all the fun. Well, since I had nothing else to do, why not accepting their offer?

I already prepared myself for the rate difference and the hot weather. No longer I wore my jacket everywhere I went, no longer I placed rate limitation in my account. Everything went out okay. I had so much fun, thanks to those crazy friends of mine there. I finally felt how weekend in capital city was. And the weather was still as hot as ever.

Continuing my trip to Bandung, I was greeted with colder weather. Cooler than it usually is, even friends there admitted that. The freezing breeze and temperature brought my body to its worst condition, especially after being exposed to the ever hot Jakarta. I didn't enjoy Bandung for my high fever then.

When I got back to Yogya, I just realized that the cold weather everywhere was due to the full moon. Usually I paid attention to that, and thus being able to anticipate the changing weather. And FYI, it's not related to mystical mumbo jumbo. It is a common knowledge that when the moon reached the peak of its cycle, the full moon, the temperature will drop. The bigger the full moon, the more it drops.

I was swayed by the atmosphere of metropolis city of Jakarta. Blinded by the lamp lights made by human being. It is a city with million lamplights, trying to rule out the night and rival those natural glimpse of stars and moon. The skyscrapers every here and there jutted high, covering every possible corner to gaze at the night sky.

And in that beautiful modern city, the space of nature and observation towards it has been radically eradicated. Cast aside by the name of modernity, industry, and business. Even the old tradition of observing the cycle of the moon to determine the weather and breeze becomes stranger by default.

Thanks to my fever, I finally re-noticed the cycle of the moon once again. And this full moon is so beautiful. Big and bright, yet cold and soothing, touching our deepest flow of vein with chill. But under the influence of frost, we have the chance to re-ignite the flame of ourselves, re-appreciate the warmth from a cup of tea, and good night rest. That's why I still don't want to leave this city, since I still want to have the bond with nature around me. Ah, fool me.....

Carnot System and Life

I was tempted to write upon the stability of life by the comment in two posts before this by Yellowtofu. He stated that we can make an analogy of perfection and balance in the Carnot system. Hmm, I was never a good student in the senior high. To be honest, I cheated in my National Final Exam, including Physics. But, I happen to know about Carnot system.

Carnot system is the ideal machine, in which the output is totally equal with the input. Very efficient machine, eh? (Please correct me if I’m wrong, but this was written in my piece of cheating paper during National Final Exam! Hehehehe!)
Yellowtofu made analogy that actually the stability itself would equal to death. Because everything is stable and harmonic. And to think further, when everything is balanced and in order, what should we do then?

Perfect stability and harmony is only existed in utopia. Just like Carnot system is only utopic design. And I can imagine that in utopia, everything is perfect. There is this balance of love and hate, of black and white, of good and evil. Everything is in harmony. But then, life would be so dull. We will have nothing to do, even no chance to do anything. STOPPED. No challenge, no threat, and that would mean no opportunity to develop ourselves and explore new things.

What would it mean for human to stop developing? DEATH.

This makes a strong revelation, that actually there is a beauty in an imperfection. That friction would lead us to a full life. That the imperfection would lead us to the dream of perfection. And life itself is one big IMPERFECTION.

The struggling to reach the stability is what makes us alive. The journey to shed away our imperfection to achieve perfection is the real essence of life. The voyage for us to keep being better over time is what breathes us spirit. And we will embrace our final destination in death.