Dear Past

Dear past,

How are you? I hope you found your home already, no longer staying at my own room. I already got so many baggage here, and yours cannot possibly fit here. It was a hard goodbye several months ago. It was kinda sad to see you leave this small room o'mine. We've been together for 11 years, and you've been the one accompanied me during my state of solitude, just when I needed someone to resort to. You kept giving me this ray of hope, which later I found out to be nothing more than a mere illusion. But I still have to acknowledge for our time together.

No, we had no quarrel. I still remember the separation, when I decided that I need to go out of this small chamber within my head. That I need to free myself from my addiction to you. You gave me euphoria, pleasure, and delirium. But I couldn't have them all, only in my head. They were and never real. And we decided to live our own life separately.

However, recently two of my best friends came and said something about you. They reminded me of you, of that old story, of that 11-year-of-togetherness. Both of them posted something in the facebook and dedicated those writings to me. Reading those, I couldn't help but reminisce about you.
Interestingly, both posts are related to angel, the fallen angel and the wingless one. Ah, it brought back memories, memories of the most beautiful angel ever. The one that seized my heart back then. Well, one friend of mine once said that man can only "fall in love" once in his life. If that's true, I think I already spent that chance. Ah, I think you know this story. We used to talk about this thing for the whole night long. A beautiful tale of sincerity, of loving and letting go, of being overshadowed and useless await.

Ah, I think I unearthed those sweet stories already. Too sweet that it aches. It came back from the ghost of the remembrance into a silhouette of the mind. But ever since you left, I was able to see through the things clearly. She might be my angel, but she is not the only angel in this world. Probably my first angel, the fallen and wingless one, but I don't think she would be my last.

Well, I think I mumbled too much. I just hope for your safety, wherever you are. Don't worry, even though we don't live under the same roof again, I will still pay you a visit once or twice. We've been friends, haven't we? Why should I erase my memories of you?

Just be good in your new place, dear. Please, take care of my strong but innocent wingless fallen angel.

Regards,

Chrysogonus Siddha Malilang

Teaching and Orgasm

Darn, it's been a long time since I touch this blog of mine. All the teaching, classes, and corrections had successfully made me away. Not even a time to enjoy myself completely. But I DID manage to sneak time to play with my Nintendo DS and Megaten.... What a perfect lecturer I am... Hwahahahahahahaha... Good God, playing game during a break in the common room? THAT'S MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

But anyway, strange thing that I found, I don't really feel exhausted doing all the teaching thingies. Tired? Of course, physically. But to be honest, I felt this mental satisfaction. It doesn't feel like I'm working, but I am playing a game instead. I enjoy every moment standing in front of the class, every time I joked around, every time I stare at my students' face.

I think you can say that I am fortunate enough, I work in the place that I like best. For example, other people might bitched around if they got to teach 5 classes in a day, from 7 in the morning to 8 at nite. And three out of five classes were 6 hours in a row. From 2 to 8... Breaking time.... At first, I thought that I couldn't make it. But turned out, I ENJOOOY IT!!!!

Writing class, seeing those smiling faces when I said I gave them 6 hours for the test. Reading class, all the new and spirited faces, along with some cute and young faces (Bwahahahahaha, teteup!!!). Pronunciation class, which turned out to be very fuuuun.. As well as two intermediate classes... With some cute faces and curves (Wkwkwkwkwk, I know it might sound so vulgar..... Peace!!!)

I don't know why, but teaching gave me a mental orgasm....

So dear blog readers (like I have any?????), till next time, when my teaching orgasm subside.... CIAOOOOO!!!!!!

A Lone Nerd

It was a hot noon, and my stomach growled already. The first of the month, so my paycheck was in hand. I decided to have my lunch at McDonald. It has been years since I went to that junkie-fast-food restaurant. I was just curious on how it tasted. This tongue of mine has already forgot it.

And so I went there all alone. As usual, dwelling in my own solitude. People might stare at me, a single guy entering McD without any friend. Well, I get used to it already, with all those staring and mocking glance. True, at that time I was the only one who came alone. No friend, no girlfriend. Meanwhile, everybody else was coming with at least one company.

Hell! That's what I thought. Hell with all those stigmas! I am here to eat and I pay, nothing embarassing, I said in mind.

Ordering french fries, fried chicken, and a glass of coke, I directly went into a table, just near the corner. While I browse through the whole restaurant, my prediction was true. Nobody came alone, except me..... Ah, crap! Let me just eat mine. This hunger within me unleashed giant beast already.

It came to me that another new guy came. Clean, neat, nerdy-look, along with a serious face. Y'know that kind of guy. He came alone and ordered the same menu. Went into the table in the very corner, he ate those alone. His face focused on the meal, ignoring all the degrading glance from everybody else. Yes, the attention of those attendants shifted from me to him.

At that split second, when I saw him, I saw myself. He is me, just like me. A lone nerd who enjoy himself. Ignoring what people said or thought. The most important thing, we did no wrong. That's it. Period. Nothing to be ashamed of, then.....

I smiled myself, a smile for my own. There was a slight of joy arose within me. I am not the only one standing against people's 'norm'.

So, whoever you are, Mr. Nerd-in-the-corner-of-McD-Jenderal-Sudirman-who-looked-confident-and-ignoring-those-stare-and-glance, just know that you are not alone. And I am not alone as well.

Jigoku Sensei

Again, I couldn't fulfill my resolution to write often in this blog. All the teaching preparations eat my time. I enjoyed them though. Teaching has been my passion for long. And this writing will be about teaching.

Jigoku Sensei is a Japanese anime about Nube. A special teacher with spiritual power. He loves his students so much that he would do anything to protect them. Most of the case, he dealt with demon and ghost.

I won't say that I possess similar power. Nope! But several weird cases happened to me. The most recent one happened just a while ago.

It was the last class, 6 PM. Something happened, so I had to move to another class. A small one, in the corner of the hallway. I kinda like the classroom though. Sometimes, if I got a break, I went to the room and going online there. Especially because it is located near the router. Quite cozy in the noon. The chair was comfortable, semi-sofa. And only eight of them was there.

For that class, I only have 3 students. The other three has resigned. A perfect condition, eh? You have a small classroom, small number of students, and space.. The material for that day was conversation. Voila!

Wrong! I have a full class! All the chairs are full. Other "things" were there. Nope, don't imagine scary things. They looked very normal, just like your ordinary students. They joined the class, and really study. I don't even fill the chill. However, outside the classroom, I sensed many of them want to join the class. They peeked from the window. There's no way I could let them in. No more place for them.

Jiah! When the class is over, those "people" smiled at me and vanished into thin air. They looked happy. Later on, I found out that some of my friends who taught in that class was often "disturbed". They were always freaked out.

Wew, reflecting on my previous experience, they just want to study. The more open we are to them, the more peaceful they will be. And out of the people, why did they choose me??

PS : This was the fourth time for me to teach "these people". Am I too passionate in teaching that they choose me to be their teacher?

Silly Act......

Darn, I leave my blog for more than a month... So much to do, so little time. That's my I didn't update this blog of mine for long. (Owh, that's a lame excuse! Get your ass back to the computer and start writing!!!)

Oh-kay, let's start the story. Few weeks earlier, I received a phone call from my ex-Study Program. They asked me to be a part-time lecturer there, since they lacked of lecturer. Some of them are going abroad to pursue the doctoral degree. To be honest, I was so surprised and excited that I felt like jumping around the house.

And some times later, I went to the common room complete with the formal clothes. Shirt, tailored pants (Ugh, how I hate this one! If only I could, I would teach wearing blue jeans!!!!), and cats shoes (yes, this one, I cheated!). People started staring at me with wonder. I didn't need to be a telepath to read their mind. "Aw, that senior of mine finally made it into a lecturership!" Huahahahahahahaha!

I spent my time trying to mingle with other lecturers in the common room. Acted very busy in front of my beloved BenQ, and finishing the snack there! Finished with everything there, I bade farewell to everybody.

Then I saw her in front of common room, my old friend who happened to have her birthday few days before. I got excited and ran to her. She saw me and smiled. But then it happened! The slippery floor combined with my slippery shoes brought me out of control. My coordination system failed me!!!

And BOOOOM! I fell down with an embarrassing pose. So very cartoonish! Ouch, I looked around and fortunately, only senior students were there. If only my students were there, how would they react?? Darn!!!! For the first time in a long time, I am feeling the embarrassment! Yuck!!!!

Jakarta Ranting #4 : The Forgotten Moon

Yes, as much as I hate Jakarta, I decided to go to the accursed city for my holiday last week. Purely for holiday, without any other businesses to take care. My dear friends invited me to relieve my stress there, and they promised to bring me all the fun. Well, since I had nothing else to do, why not accepting their offer?

I already prepared myself for the rate difference and the hot weather. No longer I wore my jacket everywhere I went, no longer I placed rate limitation in my account. Everything went out okay. I had so much fun, thanks to those crazy friends of mine there. I finally felt how weekend in capital city was. And the weather was still as hot as ever.

Continuing my trip to Bandung, I was greeted with colder weather. Cooler than it usually is, even friends there admitted that. The freezing breeze and temperature brought my body to its worst condition, especially after being exposed to the ever hot Jakarta. I didn't enjoy Bandung for my high fever then.

When I got back to Yogya, I just realized that the cold weather everywhere was due to the full moon. Usually I paid attention to that, and thus being able to anticipate the changing weather. And FYI, it's not related to mystical mumbo jumbo. It is a common knowledge that when the moon reached the peak of its cycle, the full moon, the temperature will drop. The bigger the full moon, the more it drops.

I was swayed by the atmosphere of metropolis city of Jakarta. Blinded by the lamp lights made by human being. It is a city with million lamplights, trying to rule out the night and rival those natural glimpse of stars and moon. The skyscrapers every here and there jutted high, covering every possible corner to gaze at the night sky.

And in that beautiful modern city, the space of nature and observation towards it has been radically eradicated. Cast aside by the name of modernity, industry, and business. Even the old tradition of observing the cycle of the moon to determine the weather and breeze becomes stranger by default.

Thanks to my fever, I finally re-noticed the cycle of the moon once again. And this full moon is so beautiful. Big and bright, yet cold and soothing, touching our deepest flow of vein with chill. But under the influence of frost, we have the chance to re-ignite the flame of ourselves, re-appreciate the warmth from a cup of tea, and good night rest. That's why I still don't want to leave this city, since I still want to have the bond with nature around me. Ah, fool me.....

Carnot System and Life

I was tempted to write upon the stability of life by the comment in two posts before this by Yellowtofu. He stated that we can make an analogy of perfection and balance in the Carnot system. Hmm, I was never a good student in the senior high. To be honest, I cheated in my National Final Exam, including Physics. But, I happen to know about Carnot system.

Carnot system is the ideal machine, in which the output is totally equal with the input. Very efficient machine, eh? (Please correct me if I’m wrong, but this was written in my piece of cheating paper during National Final Exam! Hehehehe!)
Yellowtofu made analogy that actually the stability itself would equal to death. Because everything is stable and harmonic. And to think further, when everything is balanced and in order, what should we do then?

Perfect stability and harmony is only existed in utopia. Just like Carnot system is only utopic design. And I can imagine that in utopia, everything is perfect. There is this balance of love and hate, of black and white, of good and evil. Everything is in harmony. But then, life would be so dull. We will have nothing to do, even no chance to do anything. STOPPED. No challenge, no threat, and that would mean no opportunity to develop ourselves and explore new things.

What would it mean for human to stop developing? DEATH.

This makes a strong revelation, that actually there is a beauty in an imperfection. That friction would lead us to a full life. That the imperfection would lead us to the dream of perfection. And life itself is one big IMPERFECTION.

The struggling to reach the stability is what makes us alive. The journey to shed away our imperfection to achieve perfection is the real essence of life. The voyage for us to keep being better over time is what breathes us spirit. And we will embrace our final destination in death.

Dream Journal 4 : An Empty Train

I wanted to go to Bandung by train, so I went to the train station. It was very crowded at the time, many people are waiting for their train. And suddenly I heard the announcement that the train to Bandung will soon depart. Quickly I moved to the train and went into it. There were nobody there, saved me and 4 young girls.

The five of us walked together, trying to find the comfortable seat for us. Contrary to the crowd outside, I found nobody in the train. It was empty, totally empty. Everything is broken, like the train had not been used for years. We felt totally strange there. We kept going to the last compartment, and finally found a girl sitting there.

She asked us, "You want to go to Bandung?"

We nodded. The girls started to find the seat in that compartment. I was still curious at that time, "Where is everybody, miss?"

She stared at me and smiled. "It's very hard to explain. Let's just enjoy the journey!" She stood, and I could see that she was short. Her T-shirt is purple, and she had a nice pigtail behind her head. Her face seemed familiar, but I just cannot recall it.

"It will be twenty five thousand rupiah per person," said her. We handed her the money, and she said again, "Thank you. We will soon depart! Enjoy it!" At the same time, the train started moving.

The young girls started having conversation among them, while the short girl sat comfortably in her seat. I was driven by my curiosity. "Will you excuse me for a while? I want to see the whole train!"

They looked at me for an instance and just nodded. I went out from the compartment and started walked along the train. Nobody there, so I decided to went back to my place. But on my way back, I saw a man with red checkers shirt. He had thick beard and short curly hair. He stood in front of glued newspaper, as if he was trying to read all the articles. Yes, another person! I screamed in my mind enthusiastically.

I approached him, but when I reached his spot, he was no longer there. I saw him in another compartment instead with another guy that I didn't see previously. My body shivered. I looked at the newspaper, and the date was March 25, 1987. DAMN!!!

I rushed back to my compartment. There, I approached the short girl and asked her, "Tell me, is this a ghost train?"

She looked at us with a sad look. "We don't mean to deceive you, sir! But yes, this is a ghost train!"

I got shocked. The young girls in that compartment were also got shocked. "That's why there were nobody here. But, how do you manage to find out that, sir?" they asked me.

"I found a newspaper dated back from 1987. There is no way someone would save newspaper that old!"

One of the girls gasped. "Yes, there's no way newspaper from 10 years ago was here. It is 1997, isn't it?"

This time, I became more and more pale. I just realized that the girls were also ghost. They came from 1997....

The short girl looked at me grimly and said, "Sir, if you feel deceived, we can return your money and you can stop in the next station. Next one will be Rembang!"

"Yes, please! I want to stop at the next station!"

The train stopped, and I quickly jumped off the train. It was really a big station. So crowded, but everyone is gray. Damn! The train has gone off without me, and I couldn't see it anymore. As if it vanished into thin air. But the song they played in the train is still echoed, even after I woke up. It was the song "Mengenangmu" by Kerispatih, but only the last part.... "Di keabadian!" (note : In eternity....)

DAMN!!!!!

Love and Hate

Just recently, I remember the excerpt from Chrono Cross opening movie. It says,

"We loved so many, yet hated so much
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves,
yet even then,
we ran like the wind,
under the cerulean sky"

Well, it says something. It reminded me of the equilibrium between light and shadow. There will always be a shadow when light presents. The two are always co-exist. One completes the other, and without one there will be no other.

Thus, in one's life, we cannot make every people love us for the way we are. There are always those who hated us, no matter how good we are doing things. There is no way we could avoid people's hatred upon us. However, this could also be applied towards ourselves. No matter how good we are, there must be some people that we hate.

It is just like the principle of yin and yang from the ancient china, in which we cannot have all white or all black. We love and we hate, it's an inevitable fact.

However, the next thing would also be interesting. Remember the saying, "We reap what we sow"? When we hate people and tried to hurt them, indirectly we are hurting ourselves. We hurt others and were hurt ourselves. There is no way to avoid the pain. Even the old javanese saying said, "When you are pointing mistake of others, your three fingers are pointing at yourself!"

People are actually mirror of ourselves. When we hurt them, we hurt our reflection. And when you attack mirror, things will just bounce back to yourself. When we hit on someone, we actually wanted to shatter ourselves down. That is why, hurting and being hurt are actually one hell of a circle.

However, it is the circle of life. No matter what we do, we cannot have just one side. As long as there is love, there will be hate. As long as we hurt others, we cannot escape from the pain. But we still need to progress through the life, keep running, for we will find the cerulean sky above us.

PS : It gives me an urge to elaborate this writing even further. Probably will do a continuation of this later on!

Success is Ne'er Counted Sweetest

Success is counted sweetest

By those who ne’er succeed
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need

Not one of all the purple host
Who took the flag today
Can tell the definition
So clear, of victory

As he, defeated, dying,
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Break, agonized and clear

I always adore Emily Dickinson’s poems for their subtle tone of sorrow and irony. The poems are able to deliver dark atmosphere as something romantic. Call me stupid, but for me, she is in the same level with Edgar Allan Poe in the ability of creating a beauty out of somber and dark theme. Death, sorrow, agony, and regret.

This is one of the poems that Dickinson wrote to ilustrate that the winner will never know the taste and glory of winning without tasting the lost. You have to taste something bitter to be able to appreciate the sweetness. If one is spoilt in the whole sweetness all the time, one will never be know how precious that is. Just like she said in the third and fourth line, to comprehend a nectar requires sorest need.

When one is marinated by the bitter and sorrow, one will be able to appreciate and keep the sweet that one has. No matter how small is it, no matter how insignificant it is. The sweetness and victory will be the ultimate prize, for one has been dreaming over it, no matter how trivial it is. And there will be a great struggle to maintain and keep the treasure. After going through all the blood and wound, the person who reaches the dream after so many failures will see it as something worth to fight. As something as precious as one’s own life.

One example, a very cliché one, came from the field of romance. Let’s just say that when someone who kept being rejected and having the heart broken will always try to keep the feeling of his or her lover. One will try to keep the relationship, since one knows that it is precious. After all the pain and wound that one has gone through, one will fight to the last blood to keep the happiness. But when someone never felt the rejection and is always placed and seen as the centre of the world, the idol, then one would never know how to appreciate the relationship. This person might think that it is okay to break people’s heart, for there are so many people wanting him / her. Then, there will be no effort to maintain the relationship.