Success is Ne'er Counted Sweetest

Success is counted sweetest

By those who ne’er succeed
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need

Not one of all the purple host
Who took the flag today
Can tell the definition
So clear, of victory

As he, defeated, dying,
On whose forbidden ear
The distant strains of triumph
Break, agonized and clear

I always adore Emily Dickinson’s poems for their subtle tone of sorrow and irony. The poems are able to deliver dark atmosphere as something romantic. Call me stupid, but for me, she is in the same level with Edgar Allan Poe in the ability of creating a beauty out of somber and dark theme. Death, sorrow, agony, and regret.

This is one of the poems that Dickinson wrote to ilustrate that the winner will never know the taste and glory of winning without tasting the lost. You have to taste something bitter to be able to appreciate the sweetness. If one is spoilt in the whole sweetness all the time, one will never be know how precious that is. Just like she said in the third and fourth line, to comprehend a nectar requires sorest need.

When one is marinated by the bitter and sorrow, one will be able to appreciate and keep the sweet that one has. No matter how small is it, no matter how insignificant it is. The sweetness and victory will be the ultimate prize, for one has been dreaming over it, no matter how trivial it is. And there will be a great struggle to maintain and keep the treasure. After going through all the blood and wound, the person who reaches the dream after so many failures will see it as something worth to fight. As something as precious as one’s own life.

One example, a very cliché one, came from the field of romance. Let’s just say that when someone who kept being rejected and having the heart broken will always try to keep the feeling of his or her lover. One will try to keep the relationship, since one knows that it is precious. After all the pain and wound that one has gone through, one will fight to the last blood to keep the happiness. But when someone never felt the rejection and is always placed and seen as the centre of the world, the idol, then one would never know how to appreciate the relationship. This person might think that it is okay to break people’s heart, for there are so many people wanting him / her. Then, there will be no effort to maintain the relationship.

Dear Someone

Dear someone,

Ever since I knew you, my life is never the same anymore. I never lay at rest ever since. Nightmares keep haunting me in the cold bleak and restless nights. I am constantly sweating and cold-feeted. My mind never ever have a resting break, not even a second.

One of my worst nightmares involves you. In which we met and kissed heartily, sharing everything that I hid behind this thick ice wall built years ago. The kiss was so hot that it melted the wall, allowing the flow of the repressed emotion. The worst part came when suddenly I awoke and found out that I am alone. On my side, only my pillows and bolsters, while I hope to find you laying beside me. The green clock on the table near my bed showed that it was only 2 o’ clock in the morning. You were still asleep. Meaning, I still had to wait for long before I could contact you, only to know how had you been, or even meeting you. To make things worse, I had to get back to sleep without you beside me, trying to force my eyes closed, rest alone.

Every message from you with the writing “Have a nice rest” triggered all those beautiful dreams which ended up in a very bad way.
Call me a masochist if you want, but one thing for sure, deep inside my heart, I don’t want to get away from this torture you caused me. There is a hidden beauty lies within this pain, there is a sparkling pearl covered up in this mud of desperation.

And I will just stay, because I know that everything will not be in vain.

Yogyakarta, May 9, 2009

Prayer and the Tears

I couldn't sleep, just rolling around my bed with my eyes closed. Trying to grasp some resting moments. But the image keeps reeling in my brain, just like newest movie teaser. Yes, literally a teaser, since it kept teasing me, disturbing my peaceful slumber.

Suddenly I heard a familiar melody, Chrono Trigger main theme. It was already 4.45 in the morning. The end of my bedtime. Damn! I slept from 10 at night, woke up at 4.45, but not even a sense of refreshness came.

I jumped out of my bed, and intuitively grabbed my rosary. Went up to the second floor, and saw that things are too bright. I decided to turn off the light, cleaned some spots in the floor, exactly in front of my small Pieta statue. Went down again to look for a lighter, and lighted up three candles in front of Pieta.

Why Pieta? Probably because I remembered when my friend told me, Pieta is the beginning and the ending of Jesus' life. He was born from Mary, and back to Mary in His death. The whole pain that Mary had to bear.

I made a sign of cross. No, I couldn't started my rosary prayer. Tears rolled in my cheeks. Damn! "God, I just don't know what to do. I tried to chant the rosary prayer, to look for empowerement, but it made me cried even more!"

I touched the small cross. "I believe in one God, the father, the almighty,......" Bead by bead in that section was touched by my fingers. It came to the beginning of the first ten Hail Mary.

I stopped. My tears bursted. Couldn't handle it any longer. "Good God, I know this pain is nothing compared to your passion to Calvary. But I needed a break, really. I have found a lover, someone who care for me. Yet, You still lay a path of stone for me! How long should I bear this wounded body?"

Tear by tear fell into the beads as I recite, "Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee....."

After finishing the first ten, I barely sobbed. I calmed down, my emotion was soothed. I started imagining that somebody supported me, like Mary supported Jesus. Continuing my second-ten-Hail Mary, I did them calmly. But on the tenth bead, I couldn't hold it any longer. I want Mother Mary, who support her son whatever path He chose. Bearing the pain of embarassement, but She hold that for her love to Christ.

It was just unlike somebody that I know, who can even throw knife at me many times. Those images kept reeling over my mind. The broomstick over my whole body, the duster over my back, all the bumps on head. I saw the flashback, complete with the voice of thrown plates, broken glass, and flying knives. The scar on my left cheek. Where she is supposed to be my Mother Mary.

I stopped my prayer again. "God, I need somebody to support me. I wanted somebody to walk hand in hand with me. I know you gave me that already, but we just cannot make it until the condition is clear! It will still a long way to go, not until I live my own life."

The next ten Hail Mary were decorated with constant sobbing and rolling tears. I grabbed the bead tighter, trying to put my mind at ease in the dark of the dusk. My mouth kept reciting the prayers, but my mind wandered around.

Where were you, dear lady, when the world turned against me? You didn't provide a shelter, yet you were in the side of the rest. Where were you when I tried so hard to stand firm over the attack? You were the hardest attacker. Just in time when I need a shoulder to cry on and trust, you threw me away with disgust. You threw me away from your home, and your re-acceptance was filled with suspicions.

I got home with bruises in my body, made by the children. You gave me that love, yet some moments later, you added more bruises. In my body, and in my heart. I came home, seeking a shelter, for I was exiled for being different, and you exiled me as well. For a whole week, I couldn't hear any word from you.

At that time, I was totally jealous with Jesus. He had Mary, as a worldly place to turn to. The one who stood before him in the time of passion. The one who stood before the cross. And the one who gave a silent cry while having His body over her knees.

Amen. Finished. "God, guide me through my journey by these beads. I know things are painful, but it might be for a greater sake. For my plan is not Your plan. But I cannot make it myself, just lend me Your power and please stay beside me. Let it happen to me according to Your wish, for I am your mere vessel!"