Monday, March 28, 2011

On Settling Down

A short conversation with Charline on last Sunday lunch suddenly tickled me. We were talking about the prospect of going home during the holiday. She is going to get back for three weeks since she misses her friends in Brussell. But she challenged me indirectly with the prospect of getting my dream job.

"So, if you get this job, you will not go back to your home?"

I shook my head.

"Not even for Christmas holiday?"

"That's just too expensive. I need to save up for my future!"

"Don't you miss your family?"

There. That question left me speechless. I did not know how to answer that. Why do I use past tense? I still don't know the answer for that. The answer is dangling and moving like the pendulum in Grandfather's clock.

Do I miss my hometown? Surely yes. I miss the cheap food there. I miss my friends there. I miss going crazy in karaoke room or hanging out in a cosy coffee shop. I miss sharing my meal with them. But on the other hand, I realised something. Life is going towards the future. I have choices to make, either trying to explore my world or staying in my little comfortable shell. I saw many friends made their choice already. Some decided to fly away and see the universe. Some decided to just stay and enjoy the small-town-spirit. Some chose to build the family in another place, some choose to settle down with their beloved one at home, together with the cute children.

What about me? Since the beginning of this year I made my choice already. I want to start over my life from the very scratch. I want to see the world, even if it means I will never settle down with my beloved. Ironically, Charlene's song "I've Never Been To Me" was my inspiration. True, the song talked about the beauty of domesticity, the fact that true happiness lies in home. However, people who stayed at home never understand that fact.

Though my constant complaint since years ago was my inability to settle down (and still going till now), deep down inside I refuse to settle down. I need to fly away. I need to flap my wings and to see different sides of the world. A comfort house in my hometown would just be a confinement to me. Is that why I can't find a nice person to settle? Because I am adventurous in soul? Probably.

Do I want to go home? For few days maybe, only to get together with those dear friends before finally parting again.

Yeah, I am just a 'bitch'.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Retrospek

Bara api di perapian masih menyala dan menari dengan lemah gemulai, menebar kehangatan di dalam ruangan. Sementara itu, hawa dingin yang menyerang di luar tidak bisa masuk merasuk ke kamar ini. Mereka semua menabrak kaca jendela dengan membabi buta, meninggalkan bercak-bercak kelabu yang merata dan mengaburkan pandangan.

Di hadapanku, seorang lelaki muda tengah asyik bermain di atas karpet. Mata birunya yang bulat terfokus memandang mobil-mobilan yang ada di genggaman. Ekspresinya menunjukkan betapa dalamnya ia terlibat dalam dunia yang diciptakannya sendiri. Keluguan terpancar dari kedua matanya. Perlahan-lahan, dia memalingkan wajahnya ke arahku dan tersenyum simpul.

“Apa yang terjadi dengan mobilmu?” tanyaku pelan.

Ia menjawab dengan ringan, “Dia terperangkap, pa! Mobilku mau keluar rumah dan berputar-putar disana.”

“Hei, bilanglah ke mobilmu, di luar salju terlalu tinggi. Sama saja, dia tidak akan bisa berputar-putar. Si mobil akan jauh lebih aman ada di sini bersamamu dan papa,” sahutku sembari tersenyum. Tanganku meraih kepalanya dan mulai mengacak-acak rambutnya dengan lembut.

“Kalau gitu, kita pergi saja ke rumah eyang. Kan disana tidak ada salju. Salju disini menyebalkan, pa!”

Aku terhenyak. Kalimat-kalimat yang keluar dari bibir mungilnya itu menyentakkan sesuatu yang ada di dalamku. Pikiranku mulai berputar mundur, mengingat kembali sengatan matahari pada kulit sawo matangku, curahan hujan deras yang sering membasahi badanku, serta bau khas yang keluar dari lemari dapur di masa kecilku.

Dengan suara sedikit tercekat, aku menjawab, “Karena rumah kita disini, nak!”

“Aku mau pindah ke rumah eyang saja, pa!”

“Lalu? Papa mau ditinggal sendirian disini?”

“Loh, papa juga harus ikut aku! Masa papa nggak kangen dengan eyang?”

Himpitan yang ada di dadaku mulai bertambah kencang. Bulu kudukku mulai berdiri dan otakku kembali menggila. Perlahan-lahan pikiran, kenangan, asumsi, mimpi, dan wajah-wajah lama mulai bermunculan. Satu-persatu, pelan tapi pasti. Muncul begitu saja dengan kejutan-kejutan yang membawa kembali perasaan yang telah lama tidak kurasakan. Seiring dengan menumpuknya semua kenangan itu, dadaku terasa semakin sesak. Ruangan di hadapanku mulai mengabur dan terasa sebagai sebuah ilusi belaka. Tiba-tiba saja, aku tidak lagi tahu perbedaan antara dunia nyata dan dunia maya.

“Hayo, papa kangen sama eyang ya?” sahut putraku. Aku tersentak dan kembali ke realita. Kepalaku terangguk pelan dan aku mulai meraihnya ke dalam pelukanku.

Lenganku menggenggamnya erat. “Kamu tahu? Kamu itu mirip dengan eyang kakung!”

Dia tersenyum penuh arti.