Five Great Generals of Macau

My first month in Macau has been completely different from my first month in Jakarta. It was not devoid of any spiritual encounter nor the vivid dreams. Well, vivid dreams were never something strange for me. However, insomniac encounter is. And this was the most terrifying insomniac encounter I've experienced here.

It was started couple of days ago, when I had my first insomnia in years. To think about it, my last insomnia was during my undergraduate years. That was the olden days of yore, wasn't it? So, it was a complete panic in my side to find out that I couldn't sleep after 1 o'clock in the morning. There had to be something! Something!!!!!

For the next hour, I was just rolling on my bed, trying to hard to be asleep. And yes, there were some bizarre methods for that. And no, I'm not going to spill the beans here.

Two o'clock and my eyes were still open. DAMN! I needed to wake up early in the following morning. With such a might of a berserker, I forced my eyes to follow my command. Instead of meeting the pitch black velvet, I got a vision. There were five people all dressed in black rode their black horses into the direction of University of Macau. WHAT THE????

When they got closer, I could see the dress they were wearing. It was old Portuguese soldier costumes. All of a sudden, they introduced themselves as five great generals who once ruled over Macau in the olden years. I could hear the sound of horses rambling and shrieking under my window. All of a sudden, the other four generals went to four different direction inside the campus. They rode their horses fiercely and unsheathed their swords and swung it in such threatening way. What about the other one? He stayed in front of my building and did the same way.

WHAT THE?? I knew they were trying to find me and reach me. But with that attitude? It lasted until three o'clock in the morning, and that was when I realised. Three o'clock is always the bewitching hour of dawn. What was this site before it became University of Macau??????

A Dream From Last Decade

Having loads of spare time, I decided to revisit some old files stored in the harddrive. It was quite funny,as I kept them intact for years without opening. When those scattered old files were explored, some files were dated back nine to ten years ago. Time sure flies.

Among those files, a small scribble on my gang’s future was found. Being gifted by such a wild imagination, I wrote that supposedly sentimental piece of writing. The story revolved around what happened to us ten years after our high school graduation.At that time, ten years seem to be such a long time, far into the future. Yet if I graduated on 2004 from high school, then 2014 would be ten years after.Thus it became so interesting in taking a careful look on what I had planned for my life, what did the innocent me have in mind.

Here goes! Ten years after my graduation from high school, I would be married to a psychologist, waiting for our first child. We would live in a compact two-story house with small kitchen where the two of us had our breakfast every morning. While my wife worked as a clinical psychologist (I swear, back then I had no idea that there are such divisions in psychology. All I could think of was that she would be helping people on the couch. Yes, apparently psychology equals to couch, no thanks to Freud!). And what was my dream job? Where did I work in this made-up future? Considering my naivete then, it was written that I worked as an English teacher in a private senior high school. Yes, a teacher with no additional title of Master or Doctor. What a simple life!!!

Reading that piece of novelette(yes, it was not just a short composition –it was a short story of 40 pages!!) unearthed the memory I've long forgotten. After high school, I did not dream of continuing my education. There was completely no plan of looking for any scholarship. Going to the university and getting a proper job were my ultimate two aims.

And where did that take me? Let’s just do a contrastive analysis and a reality check! First, where does I work now? Not a senior high. In fact, I will be jobless in the coming month. So,proper job, CROSSED! Second, I should be expecting my first child by now. Last time I checked, there was no wedding ring on my finger. No wife. Frankly, I don’t even know when I will finally marry my life partner! So, wife, CROSSED! Next, a compact two-story house with kitchen should be the place I’m living. Yeah,instead of that compact house, I get a compact boarding room. Yeah, compare that simple life of married teacher with this soon-to-be-jobless, unmarried guy living in a small boarding room. Life is indeed a harsh mistress, eh?

Do I regret that? This is such a difficult question. Had I been given such a simple life, can I even stay living like that without any boredom? So many things have changed since last decade.Life has thrown me into various hellish experiences that shaped me like what I am now. On the contrary, life has also thrown various opportunities to me, the opportunities I cannot say no to. They have their own consequences, so shan't have I any regret on my own choice. This is the path I am paving, ignoring the path to simple life a high-school-graduate me dreamed. 

The Road to Ph.D #2: Conferences

The road to Ph.D is never an easy path. Some people were actually wondering, "You were only applying for the programme on late March, yet on June you already received the scholarship notification. That is an express counter!" But little did they know the long process behind this acceptance.

It was started in the beginning of 2012 (yes, far in the past). Being recently separated from the academic nuances of Cambridge, I felt the longing to scientific discussion. The real discussion, in which I did not need to chant "Children's Literature 101" for the sparring partners. So, when I saw some Call For Papers in some countries, I was suddenly motivated to send mine. There were three children's literature conferences I applied; San Fransisco, Canberra, and Taipei. Still clear in mind, it was on January 2012, when my spirit was burning even paying no attention to the potential funding problem.

First email came from San Fransisco, stating that they did not have any place for me and Risang (it was a collaborative paper). Canberra followed after, but with better news. It was quite funny to recall the revelation moment, as I was teaching TOEFL-Preparation class. Being such a procastinating teacher, internet was something unavoidable (especially while waiting for the students finishing their reading exercises). That was the moment when an email came from Tony Eaton confirming my acceptance. Still maintaining a poker face, I excused myself to go out (letting the students assuming I went for a loo break). Yet, in front of the door, the poker face changed instantly into a wide smile and stormed me into Simon's office. Taipei was no different from that moment, again in the TOEFL-Prep class. Looking back at those coincidences, TOEFL-Prep might be my good luck charm......

Canberra was my very first international conference. Knowing nothing about Australia, I went alone and self-funded (do not get me started on funding issue from my previous employer!). During the presentation, I met Kit Kelen, a professor from University of Macao, who became my moderator. Well, complication happen when my (now) ex got into the argument. The question my ex asked was, "So, how was the conference? Did you get any job offer or scholarship offer?" When I answer not yet, the response was "So, now you realise that your field is not profitable! Just go and change your subject while you still can!"

It hurt, like seriously. To be frank, which fool expects to get any scholarship offer or job offer on the first debut? But I took the words seriously and started doubting my choice. Is children's literature not that profitable? Am I bad enough that no opportunity waved over me? The words blurred my initial intention of joining conferences for the sake of enriching the knowledge and enlarging the network. Yes, I made a fool out of myself (no) thanks to the ex......

We broke up in August, yet not merely because of the conference in Canberra. The relationship trauma emerging fueled me to look for further escapade in the academia. Taipei still awaited me on November, for my third international conference (the second one in Malaysia is not closely related to children's literature). The determination to better myself as a distraction motivated me to write better and to be more focused. I was no longer thinking about any offer or possibility to continue the study. For me, those conferences would just be some entries in my CV as well as some experiences.

Surprisingly, I saw a familiar name in the participant list; Kit Kelen. Well, it certainly did not hurt to contact him through facebook asking about his participation. Furthermore, it's always nice to know one person or two in a coming conference.

Yet, this is the start of my further contact and discussion with him. It came as a surprise when he told me about his research and opening of Ph.D position. To think about everything, this is not an easy road and journey. The path was not paved in just one or two months, but years. And who said that joining those self-funded international conferences was useless?

The Road to Ph.D #1 : A(n) (Im)Possible Dream

If one asked me, “What do you want to achieve?” then the answer would be quite easy. I always have this dream of obtaining my doctoral degree before turning 31. Yes, being such a blabbermouth, lots of people know about this! Some people might say that I am living an unrealistic dream or simply point out that my obsession is bigger than my own ass. Well, I am a big dreamer after all.

One can always justify this choice of mine by quoting Paulo Coelho’s saying, “When you want something sobad, the universe will conspire to make it true!” Yet to be fair, I have lost the hopes of achieving that dream countless of time. Lots and lots of people told me that I need to focus more on the job seeking, shifting my ass from the part-time job I had into a real job. Then, building a family (getting marriedand conceiving offspring) should follow. “Get back to the real world and stop dreaming of being in heaven!”

The very first discouraging moment came when I finished my Master study. Instead of getting a rocketing score of my dream, the final score was far from my expectation. Worse, my score was below the standard to continue my Ph.D in that university. Comparing myself to some friends of mine who continued their doctoral degree there, the lowly feeling started emerging. The big question lingering in mind was “Am I even fit to enter the academia world?”. This is where self-doubt started coming, when I doubted my own ability, when I felt like a failure, and when I beat myself up. It was the point when I felt being castrated from the academia root.

“Let me just focus on being a professional lecturer!” said I. Yes, I gave up the hope for Ph.D! It was not until I saw an opening for a Ph.D position in Sweden. No, it was not in Children’s Literature, but a Comparative Literature instead. A mere speculation. Yet I anxiously waited for the announcement. My age started to reach 26 then. Quite a critical moment to fulfill the ambition, eh? When the email from Sweden suddenly came, it was an empty one. EMPTY email, with nothing., not even a subject. (Now, can I have a back sound of a glass breaking?)

You could call the rejection from Sweden as a final blow to my ambition. It motivated me to really pull my life together and look for a proper job. No more fooling around waiting for Ph.D! No more exhausting part-time jobs!
Did I completely lose my ambition? Well, deep in my heart, there was still a sparkling hope, flickering.Told you, I am a stubborn one! Even during my interview for the proper job, I answered, “I will not move to another institution except when there’s a scholarship offer!”

So, I moved to another town,started a new job, started a new relationship, built a new circle of friends,and completely restarted my life. In the first day of 2013, if I may add. With this perfect time frame, I thought of casting aside the effort to look for scholarships. Let me just be an ordinary man, an ordinary office goer, and an ordinary worker. At least for a year, the hibernating period.

And what did I get? Apparently Big Boss sure loves to play His divine jokes on me. All of a sudden, an opportunity came. Without really hoping of getting accepted (remember my resolution?),I applied for this Ph.D position. Made lots of mistakes in the application,made lots of blunder in the process, but what happened?

I GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP! A FULL ONE!

And what about the limit I set on myself? Well, if I finish it on time, my doctoral degree will come exactly when I am 30 year old!!! I guess, this is the advantage of never stop dreaming……..

Segelibat Pikir di Hari Buruh

Tiba-tiba beberapa hari ini saya merasa sangat tidak aman dan panik dengan kondisi pekerjaan dan financial saya di Jakarta. Semua berawal dari pertanyaan seorang mantan mahasiswa yang baru saja diterima bekerja di daerah dekat tempat saya tinggal saat ini. Dia sontak terkaget-kaget ketika mengetahui harga sewa kost di seputaran daerah tersebut. Menurut gadis muda ini, dengan biaya semahal itu kemungkinan besar dia tidak akan bisa menabung. Ironisnya, gaji awal si mahasiswi ini sebenarnya jauh lebih besar dari gajiku.

Peristiwa inilah yang mulai menarik pemicu dari semua kegalauan dan kecemasan selama beberapa hari belakangan. Ditambah lagi mulai muncul rasa cemas dengan status di kantor dan birokrasi DIKTI yang semakin tidak jelas saja. Dan yang walaupun mungkin sudah menjadi pengetahuan umum, kondisi Jakarta dan para penduduknya yang sangat konsumtif. Entah, bolehkah saya menyebut bahwa uang dan ekonomi yang menjadi mesin penggerak utama kehidupan di ibukota ini? Semua orang nampaknya berlomba-lomba mengumpulkan uang sebanyak-banyaknya untuk kemudian berpartisipasi dalam lomba lain menghabiskan uang sebanyak-banyaknya.

Dan persis di hari buruh ini, saya merenungkan kembali sejarah kehidupan saya hingga saat ini. Apakah saya orang yang tergerak oleh keinginan menjadi orang kaya dan mendapatkan uang sebanyak-banyaknya? Ataukah saya sudah mulai terpengaruh oleh pola kehidupan di Jakarta?

Pelit dan gila kerja memang sudah menjadi cap yang melekat semenjak beberapa tahun belakangan ini. Teman-teman kerja di Yogya menganggap saya sebagai orang yang tidak pernah berhenti bekerja demi mencari uang, bahkan dengan mengorbankan banyak waktu saya. Tapi yang mereka lupakan adalah bahwa dalam paruh kedua tahun kemarin saya sengaja bekerja dengan sangat keras untuk melupakan sesuatu, untuk mengalihkan pikiran saya dari sebuah trauma besar yang menghantui.

Siang ini, di meja ini, di tengah kepanikan dan kecemasan saya, sebuah suara hati perlahan berbisik dan bertanya, “Bagaimanakah kamu hidup selama ini?”

Itulah yang menjadi sebuah titik terang. Saya adalah seorang bohemian yang memuja ilmu pengetahuan dan bukan harta. Bukankah prinsip ini yang dulu sempat membawa kehancuran pada hubungan saya sebelum ini? Bukankah saya memutuskan untuk memilih sakit hati daripada mengubah pandangan hidup saya?

Dibesarkan di Yogyakarta membawa saya hidup layaknya orang-orang Yogya yang selalu mencoba sareh dan sumeleh. Mencoba untuk selalu bersyukur dan menikmati apa saja yang ada, tidak peduli seberapa banyak yang dipegang. Jika memang sedang berkekurangan, mungkin memang berarti sedang saatnya harus hidup kurang. Bukankah hidup itu layaknya roda? Tak terkecuali masalah ekonomi. Dan apabila urip kuwi mung mampir ngombe, kenapa tidak kita nikmati saja apapun minuman yang disediakan? Secangkir kopi kadang terasa hangat, kadang terasa pahit, kadang tawar, tapi kadang juga manis. Tapi, bukankah itu dinamika dalam menikmati si kopi? Segala sesuatunya hanya harus dinikmati, bukan untuk dibandingkan.  

Saya bertanya lagi kepada diri saya sendiri, apa lagi sih yang harus ditakutkan? Bukankah saya sudah pernah mengalami kelaparan selama seminggu sewaktu musim dingin sendirian tanpa teman di asrama? Bukankah saya juga sudah pernah berlatih makan dan memasak di bawah manajemen kepepet, saat-saat dimana daging thethelan sudah menjadi sesuatu makanan yang sangat mewah? Tidak bahagiakah saya waktu itu? Saya merasa sama bahagianya dengan teman-teman lain.

The grass is always greener on the other side, eh? “Urip iku wang sinawang,” begitu kata seorang teman. Jadi, kenapa saya harus kembali merasa iri dan tidak aman? Mungkin saatnya saya mengembalikan mindset burung pipit saja dipelihara oleh Tuhan, apalagi saya.

Selamat hari buruh, semuanya!