Child's Play

Tip tap tip tap! I recognized instantly that sound of baby steps my son had while walking towards me. Having him in the household had brightened my days, for Seta cannot stay still for even a minute. His bland innocence was the sunshine for the house.

“Daddy?”

I gave him my biggest grin. It worked! Seta always loved seeing how silly my face was every time I grinned. He chuckled, further amplifying this excitement I had. With that kind of son, which father would not feel very glad?

“C’mere, boy!” I patted on my laps. And he ran all the way to my legs. Quickly I lifted him and sat him. Seta shared his big smile once again.

“Dad?”

“Yep?”

“Do you love me?”

“I do, son,” said I nodding.

“I love you, Dad!”

Another smile.

“Do you love your mommy and daddy, Dad?”

“Sure I do, son!’

“You never told me about them,”

And silence came. Seta suddenly felt heavier than ever. The palpitation in my chest grew faster as my mind rushed back into the dark, unearthing the ancient tomb within. It was as if an angel came to me and kicked me into a deep abyss with the smile as bright as the sun. The radiance forced me to dig into that tomb and unraveling every dark event I had.

 “Dad?”

I was out of the world, staring into a perfect nothing.

Perfect.

Nothing.

Not until a hand touched upon my shoulder emitting familiar warmth I had known for the last seven years.

“Daddy will tell you about them, Seta dear! Later. Hey, you want to grab a cup of hot chocolate?”

Seta nodded while looking into the voice. He jumped out of my laps and ran to the kitchen.

“You will tell him the story, won’t you dear?”

Still standing still, I couldn’t answer.

“He deserves to know the truth, dear!”

“That he – his parents, I mean, are not welcomed by his grandparents?”

“Seta is a good boy. He might bring about a change….”

“I don’t know, dear…..”

And I felt another pat on my shoulder. 

Alpha hingga Omega

Alpha

Kita berdiri di depan Pieta,
dengan dansa kecil nyala lilin.
Aku menggenggam telunjukmu
yang kau tepis
Doaku terdaras untukmu
selagi kau diam membisu
dan entah kemana.

Lalu kita pergi.......


Beta

Ombak laut selatan menderu
membelai kaki telanjang ku dan mu
Pada debur ombak pantai selatan
kuserahkan hati kita
tapi kau memegang erat milikmu
dan membiarkan hatiku
hanyut sendiri


Gamma

Sebatang dupa berasap lingkar
tertancap di depan bersila
Di hadapan Maitreya hamba
berdoa secara sederhana
khusuk bagi engkau
teriring ceramah panjangmu

Itukah yang membawa
doaku jauh dari Sang Kuasa?


(semoga) Omega

Kau menuntunku ke gua Maria
di bawah lantunan ritmis organ gereja
kau berdoa di depan gua
aku berdoa dalam sepi.

Alpha kau sebut aku
bisakah aku menjelmakan Omega bagimu
sebagaimana kau menjadi akhirku.

Far Future in A Formal Hall

It was almost dark when I rapped on your chamber door. And there you opened the door, revealing yourself in the formal attire. Black tie dress code, and you interpreted that by dressing all in black. For a second, I thought that my heart would stop beating in amazement.

“Are you ready?” said I.

You nodded and smiled. The rose that I held was then moving to your hand, enlarging the smile carved on your lips.

“Thank you. It’s beautiful!”

You grabbed my hand and hurriedly locked the door, as if we need to spend each and every precious second of that night together. But don’t you know that your touch sent the romantic tingles all around my nerves? Instead of giggling, I transposed that tingle unto a very big smile. And this is how you manage to make me smile all the time. All the time.

We walked hand-in-hand down the Castle Hill, along the lights from small old English pubs. The gown covering my black tuxedo kept me warm, yet your coat was apparently too thin for the winter breeze. The usual British winter, cold and dry without any trace of snowflakes. Did you remember how you were shaken by the cold? It was that moment when I held your shoulders in my hug; at least, some parts of you were covered by the gown.

Eddies’ gate felt so inviting as we entered through the front door. Mary -the night receptionist- smiled at us. That was your first visit to the college, wasn’t it? It was not a big nor famous college, unlike John or Trinity. But your eyes were glistening with joy and excitement. It was not until we walked down the hall –passing the pigeon holes- into Combination Room that you got more and more excited. We came just in time for the sherry reception, when you saw band of people wearing their gowns and formal dresses.

I had to admit, Eddies’ sherry is not as good as the Peterhouse’s one. But it was enough to warm your small stature within the embrace of bleak winter night. As if you forget that we were out of Indonesia, your face blushed in reddish shade as I pecked your cheek. Nobody thought it was a sin, dear. Across the room, you can also see people hugged their partners tightly.

“Is that okay?” you asked slowly, startled.

Just a small nod in response. And I could feel your hand gripped mine strongly. I could still recall you being timid and shy in one second and another startle came upon your face when the gong was hit. “What was that?”

“It’s the sign for us to march to the dining hall!” I whispered. Determined to show your worth, you walked confidently next to me going to the Hall. Not an exquisite one, for Eddies is not famous for being a rich college. You couldn’t see any beautiful paintings other than the chronological portraits of our Masters. I swear there was nervousness all over your face when we were looking for our seat. The bleak night outside further enhanced the warm light emitted by the candles in between us. The warm yellowish light touched upon your dark attire and my gown.

We were standing as the gong sounding, waiting for the short grace in Latin read by the Dean. The religious side in you seemed to get into climax upon hearing that Latin grace. It was five-courses meal with cheese in the end. But you strived upon gulping the red and white wine. Our hands were touching in the middle of the meal, and the neighbouring lady gave us an approving nod. You might forget her, but she was my hallmate.

The port wine finally came. I joked to you, “This is what runs Cambridge! The main motivation for us to come here, the infamous port!” Mixed chatters could be heard from all directions and the couple sitting next to us asked, “So, how did you two meet?”

“Over a simple text message, to sum up!” you giggled. “Thanks to a friend who match made us!” I knew from your giggly response, three glasses of wine and the initial sherry had got into your nerves. But, I just smiled at you. Small wink.

The dinner had finally done with the closing grace. “You wanted to stop by at the bar?” I asked among the marching students walking out of the hall.

“I don’t think I can have another glass of alcohol. Can we just go back to the house?”

“And why is that?”

“Because I just want to be together with you!”

At that moment, I hugged you tight, blocking the remaining students from going out. But I don’t care.

Because you were there.

And you are here......

PS : This is what I imagine, to be with my loved one in my beloved city.....

Bahagiakah saya?

Menanti sebuah penerbangan kembali ke Yogyakarta di Bandara Cengkareng tiba-tiba membawa kembali memori akan sebuah kejadian empat tahun yang lalu. Sudah lama sekali aku tidak memasuki terminal 1 di bandara itu, terima kasih pada sponsor yang membuat saya selalu bisa mendarat di terminal 2. Akan tetapi, hari ini saya kembali masuk ke terminal 1 dan menunggu disana.

Ketika melihat deretan bangku-bangku yang diisi oleh para calon penumpang, benak ini memutar kembali kala terakhirku duduk di sana. Empat tahun yang lalu, pada masa-masa hijauku, aku merasa cukup tertegun melihat seorang Bhikku yang berjalan keliling ruang tunggu tersebut. Tiba-tiba saja muncul sebuah dorongan untuk menyumpalkan ear piece dan memutar sebuah lagu dari ponsel.

Entah karena terinspirasi oleh sang bhikku atau memang sebuah bisikan ilahi, tangan ini memilih lantunan 'Heart Sutra'. Entah mengapa lantunan mantra tersebut selalu memiliki efek yang sangat menenangkan bahkan hingga hari ini.

Sekitar sepuluh menit setelah lagu itu selesai, sang bhikku yang melewati kursiku berhenti sejenak. Ia memandang ke arahku dan tersenyum. Kata-katanya sangat singkat tetapi misterius, "Wah, anda bahagia ya? Enak bukan menjadi bahagia?" Seselesainya berkata seperti itu, beliau pergi.

Ia meninggalkanku tertegun. Baru beberapa bulan sebelumnya aku membahas konsep kebahagiaan yang sejati, konsep kebahagiaan yang dihayati oleh para Buddhist. Bahagia di situ berarti tidak lagi terikat pada apapun, tidak menginginkan apapun, tidak merasa apapun. Dan konsep itu kembali masuk ke dalam benak ini, membangun sebuah pertanyaan besar. "Sudah bahagiakah saya?" Bagaimana mungkin sang Bhikku itu hanya berhenti di hadapan saya untuk mengatakan kalimat misterius itu? Bagaimana dia mengetahui bahwa saya tengah berbahagia? Raut mukaku pada saat itu pun sebenarnya adalah raut muka yang sangat lelah. Bau bantal, istilahnya. Lalu, apa yang sebenarnya membuat beliau mengatakannya kepadaku?

Empat tahun sudah berlalu. Tapi kembali masuk ke dalam terminal tersebut kembali menggali ingatan dan misteri itu. Hari ini, tidak ada lagi sosok sang bhikku. Tapi pertanyaan yang sama masih belum terjawab, "Bahagiakah saya?"

Soekarno-Hatta, 5 Desember 2012

Justin Jedlica: A Step Towards Establishing Gay Gaze

Several days ago, the article on Justin Jedlica took an instant interest in me. For those who do not know, Justin Jedlica is one of the big name in the plastic surgery world. He is notoriously known for undertaking 90-ish cosmetic surgeries in the last 10 years. The mass media even label him as the new Ken. Just like Valeria -the Russian model who changed herself to resemble Barbie, Justin underwent cosmetic surgeries in his whole body -not only facial surgeries.

To be abruptly honest, my radar rang when I read the article. Driven by my curiosity, I consulted the Almighty Google for further information on Justin. Finally finding his twitter account, my suspicion was proven true. Justin Jedlica is an openly gay man. This revelation on his sexuality then led me into revisiting the concept and construction of gay gaze.

It's no secret that women are doing cosmetic surgeries to transform themselves into beautiful princess. But then, when they appeared more beautiful, these women actually subjected themselves into the trap of male gaze. They surrendered into a state of being objectified. After all, their body alteration was mostly based on man's concept of beauty. If they are being honest, their body alteration was aimed to attract more men (or women in some cases) -despite the claim that they're doing it for themselves. There is no denial that the concept of physical beauty was derived from men's standard and satisfaction.

An interesting thing is that in the heterocentric world full of masculine hegemony, straight men always refused to be objectified. When they are objectified, their position at the peak of power dynamic would be toppled down. That's the reason why there are only male gaze and not female gaze.

Yet, the term gay gaze that has been around in the intellectual limbo for almost two decades actually gives another perspective on men's position in the power dynamics. Due to the nature of same sex attraction, a gay male is willing to be 'objectified' by another man. This does not mean they fall from grace in the power dynamics. At the same time when they were objectified by another man, they are also objectifying another man. The key of this gay gaze is mutual objectification without the occurrence of power stripping. There is a willingness to be objectified, mainly to attract the other party. Without this willingness and temporary power loss, the seduction cannot happen. Furthermore, the loss of power actually does not happen due to the nature of queer power dynamics which operates outside the heteronormative structure.

Coming back to Justin Jedlica, he is actually a further proof of this mutual objectification and man's willingness to be objectified. By transforming his face into Ken-like as well as placing implants in his biceps, triceps, chest, and abs, Justin is actually trying to transform himself into a perfect person sending out invitation to be objectified by other gay men. The logic is, if he does not have the willingness to be objectified, he will not bother transforming himself into a guy with perfect body. Interesting enough, almost all of his body alteration were actually conforming to the stereotype of ideal gay man. Six pack chiseled abs, well rounded chest, slightly bulging biceps and triceps, while still maintaining the lean figure. This is not to generalise that all gay men will be attracted to such figure, as there are many spectrums within.

On the other hand, his constant scoring of himself -and his confession that he will continue altering his body in search for the perfect figure- also shows his objectifying himself. After all, the mutual objectification is a first step of going forward.

Disclaimer : I don't want to sound homophobic or stereotypical, but I just want to explore more of Laura Mulvey's idea on the 'male gaze' towards the construction and establishment of 'gay gaze'.