The Price

Charlene’s song “I’ve Never Been To Me” had been echoing in my head in the last few weeks. It was consoling yet pretty much slapping me in both cheeks. Charlene sang the story of two ladies with two different lives; one who lived a domestic life and another one lived her limitless freedom. Both ladies mourned over their choices and wished to walk in another’s path. Oh human, always vying for what they don’t have and constantly feeling dissatisfied with what they already have....

Unfortunately, that song resonated with what my own experience. Somehow, listening to that beautiful songstress unearthed an anxiety within me. Being stranded in Macau to pursue my doctorate degree and that silly ambition of obtaining the degree before entering my fourth decade in life had got me thinking a lot lately. I came back into solitude one more time, just right after experiencing a very festive life in Jakarta with Vita Voxa and some friends I made there. But being here in Macau led me into solace without the ability to make friends due to the language barrier.

Did my silly ambition lead me to live my freedom without border and leave the domesticated life I could have? To think that I sacrificed the opportunities (countless opportunities) to settle down and just be a normal husband in such a boring household for this ambition of attaining knowledge and title. How many women I left and hurt just because I prioritised my pursuit of doctorate degree over my love life? How many times had I braced myself over the stupid commentaries and constant question, “When are you going to get married?”

I always responded to the question by saying that I prioritised my study over anything. And if there was something I really wanted, it was the freedom and wings to explore the world. This was the realisation I had when conversing with Sarasvati Devi on the peak of Gunung Lawu. My ambition to obtain this degree and this knowledge is similar to ancient heroes’ struggle to wield and harness the most powerful weapon. Knowledge and education are the new Excalibur, the new Masamune, the new Pasopati. By mastering the knowledge, one will gain such an immense power to conquer the world. That is the war we had to fight in the recent days.

Yet power will never be gratis. There is always something one has to pay for that. This solitude, this separation, and this anxiety are the price I have to pay. Just like Charlene’s heroine in the song, one will always have regrets. The price has been paid in advance now, why should I give up and wasted my payment?