Chronicle #8 : English Education

Well, coming back to chronicling my teaching experience. Something that I should have finished before I came to Cambridge. Well, time constraint made it a little bit impossible. Preparation ate a lot of my time, and procrastinating consume MOST of my time. Yeah, I am a goooooood procrastinator.

It came back to July 2009. After having a very bad "breakup" with certain bitch, I got a phone call that would change my life forever. It was from the Vice chairperson of my ex-study program. She asked me whether I would be available to teach in as a part-time lecturer. Whoa, whoa, NOT AVAILABLE? Get out of here, it was all I dreamed! I shouted spontaneously, "COUNT ME IN!!!!!"

To my surprise, she asked me to handle Interpreting classes. Yep, plural! I had two classes of interpreting. I was quite surprise, since it was a subject for final year student. Am I good enough to handle that, I thought in mind. But yea, without further ado I nodded (figuratively, of course. I was on a phone call anyway). And thus begun my journey as a part-time lecturer.

My first semester brought me into three different levels. I had interpreting class for final year students, writing class for second year students, and reading class for the fresher (Wait, fresher?? Gosh, this is UK talking. xixixixi)Again, I think my arrogance was really too much. Relying on the experience of teaching in History Department, I thought it would be the same. BIG MISTAKE, dude!

Interpreting class is really exhausting, both for the lecturer and the students. Difficult for students to progress, exhausting for the lecturer to prepare the material. Engaging students' participation needed extra effort, especially during a "sleepy hours". Yeah, Interpreting class at the moment when people got really tired and sleepy. Could not say that those were my greatest success. Once again, arrogance is certainly not a good start for teaching. But, I enjoyed it.

The Writing class was nice, but in some ways it was kinda limiting. I LOVE to talk, and by love, I mean A LOOT! And I love writing. Well, it was supposed to be okay, however lecturer did not talk a lot in writing class.*jawdropping* *speechless*

But I really enjoyed the reading class. Well, dealing with freshers is always nice. They were very cooperative and eager to learn. Not to mention their obedience. The discussion went well, and I enjoyed every moment of it. Have to admit, I looked forward to going into that class every week. Err, the first mid term test made that class down a little bit, but they soon changed their strategy to learn. To my surprise, they did improve. A LOT!

Second semester came, and I got more classes. This time, I had to teach two classes of Translation and two classes of Research Paper Writing for third year student as well as a writing class for second year students. And I should say that that was the most exhausting and challenging semester ever.

Teaching Translation was not as easy as flipping your hand. It was a skill. You cannot fully learn it, you have to acquire it. The best analogy of teaching translation i like teaching art. You have to feel it, and no theory could help you fully. So difficult that I almost lost my confidence in teaching. Killer, ambitious, killer, difficult, killer, serious, killer, killer, killer. Those were things written on my forehead for the students. Lots and lots protested for my grading system, but I insist on using my standard. Unlike the reading class in the previous semester, the classes were killing me.

Unique case happened in the Research Paper Writing classes. I enjoyed teaching in one class, we even had so much fun. I felt like having the best scientific discussion ever. But the other class ditched on me. This particular class, I never know why, also saw the writing on my forehead like the translation class did.

Thank God I had the writing class for second year. They were nice, talkative, cooperative, and sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. Those people were funny, and the important thing was, they were the one keeping my sanity in place.

Well, I had my own up and down with that. No matter how long have you been teaching, there is always new thing to learn. And every class is different, so we really need to adjust ourselves without lowering the standard.

Chronicle #6 : History Department

Just a few months after being accepted in Language Institute (and finishing the probational period), I got the offer to teach at History Department. They needed a lecturer to teach writing in English III. Since the director of Language Institute knew that my thesis was about writing skill, she appointed me for the position. Of course, in an instant, I nodded my head. Hey, it was a rare opportunity.

Having been informed that my colleague used to make the syllabus for the same class, I contacted her. When receiving the last-year syllabus, I was shocked. It was different. Not including writing skill at all, but English learning strategy instead. Meanwhile, the department asked me to develop students' writing skill. So, I changed the whole syllabus.

I was nervous back then. Can my syllabus be called as reliable? Was that really a valid one? Designing material and syllabus have been my activity since several semesters backward. But this time, I am dealing with the formal institute. University and official study program. Meaning, my syllabus will also be used as the consideration in the accreditation process. I had some moments of losing my confidence.

However, in the process, I found out that it was interesting. I got all the freedom that I wanted! I was free to choose what to teach, what to test, and even what not to teach. BOOM! The syllabus was done, the material was done.

To my surprise, I found out that English class in history department was treated like a step children. There were a lot of thoughts that they are hopeless. However, faced by the opinion like that, I couldn't help but challenged. In my mind, I set what could I do for them. If they were really hopeless, how could I raise their motivation to learn English and made them confide in themselves. At least, made them feeling precious and not being left out.

Then came the day when I had to enter the class for the first time. Dang, they were late for almost half an hour. I initially wanted to be angry, but considering their nature, it will have a bad impact to their motivation if I shouted at them in the first meeting. At that moment, I decided that I had to change my paradigm. I had to be very fluid. And yet, only one student came out of three. What should I do with one student? I finally ended up on chatting, and that was the first bonding I had with students from History Department.

As the time went by, I know each of the students personally. And yet, the class turned to be a workshop class. They got no complaint, and even got no secret. Most of the time, we were just having short discussion. I grew close to Angga, the perverted otaku boy and Gilang, the bohemian one. Ah well, actually we got close real fast because we were all bohemian.

Actually, I got more “students” when teaching there. It was a big class, occupied only by two students and one lecturer. But the class was always full (with invisible things). Huauahuahuahuahau! So, I was not only teaching a human being......

On the second semester, I met with Angga and Gilang again in English IV. However, this time I met more people. Sister Mena, the persistent one. She was left behind in term of ability and English mastery, but her persistence and diligence helped her to cope up with the others. She even served as my catalyst, especially when my joke went too far. I had Ifa, the activist, in my class. She was a bright girl, but her problem came in her dilligence. She skipped the class often. Thank God, she managed to pass my class, although I had to bend my own rule once for her sake. I couldn't let someone as bright as her failed my class only because of sickness. Then, I had the gentle Tati, as much as being inaccurate, she tried hard. Like the others, she almost failed my class too, but managed to escape. Then the last member who colored my class was Ismi, the WIIIILD girl. Well, not wild in dirty context, but wild in term of attitude.

Their class was different, for we had more students. The discussion was interesting. Can you imagine the students were so eager discussing agnosticism? Or when Angga suddenly came up with the topic of Hindu Trinity. We were really helping one another. (And that might be the reason why they never believe me being a killer lecturer).

The last class in history department happened last semester. I got two more serious students, but still pretty close. Deaz and Ayunda. They were very bright! No problem with dilligence. And yet, they still thought that the class was fun.

So, what's the moral value? Hmmm, never really good with this one, but lemme try. Can I say that, never underestimate people? Since they can show you their hidden potential. And it will really left you in awe.

One thing for sure, I was glad to teach in the history department. It was a memorable thing, even my sanctuary when I felt overwhelmed by my other teaching tasks. Sanctuary, since I can release my stress and burden, teaching while stripping all the formality.

Chronicle #5 : CEIC - The Beginning

Just few months before my graduation, I applied for an instructor position in Language Institute Sanata Dharma University. My motivation back then was merely for having a secure social position while looking and applying for my Master Degree.

Well, skipping all the process and impression, I was assigned for Intermediate class. You can say that since my first period until this last one, I always got Intermediate class but once when there was no applicant for that level.

The training for the instructors demanded us to be instructor fully like the theory. Positioning ourselves as the instructor, giving and being the source of knowledge. Being the new member of the community, as well as having a probational period, I tried so hard to fit in. All the things from the training were implemented in my strategy and methodology. Assigned to one mentor, I tried so hard to copy her way of teaching, knowing that she is a senior lecturer. The combination of so-called good teaching and my bohemian style came into being. Yet, I never felt comfortable.

My first class consisted of some old students from the previous level. With all efforts to show my capabilities, I never managed to get close to them. The class turned out to be corny, partly because of my inability to manage the mood. All my jokes were cheesy, and even most students said that I often offended them. My evaluation became very bad, and this means BAAAAD! It was the time when I even doubted my ability to teach. Seriously, I was thinking of giving up teaching back then.

That bad result came into the decision of prolonging my probation period. Something shameful, at least for myself. I always saw myself as adaptable and prodigy, but that cockiness finally consumed me.

On my prolonged probation period, I was assigned to three different levels. Upper Beginner, Pre-Intermediate, and Intermediate. Further humiliation came in form of my being assigned to each of the level only once a week. A proof that the seniors had no trust in my capability (which honestly is lasting until now. But hey, who cares??) This feeling of desperation was even encouraged by the fact that none of my students decided to continue to the next level.

During my desperation, I found out that one of my high school friends, Emi, enrolled in the Pre-Intermediate class. Equipped with that fact, I decided to go crazy. Hell cares with what happened to my career there. I mocked my students there, ignoring what it might do to my evaluation later on. Fortunately, they accepted all those mockeries and insults. We even insulted one another. My Bohemian Style was resurrected once again.

The schedule rolling came, and I was removed from Pre-Intermediate, putting me into the focus of Upper Beginner and Intermediate. Upper Beginner never really stroke my attention, while in the Intermediate class, I had three students from Japan. Yuta, Naomi, and Satsuki. Feeling honored for teaching foreigners, I tried to impress them with the knowledge of anime. But they saw me in turn as OTAKU. Gyahahaha! I also got a band of students from UGM, four jesters! And for the first time, I had to teach two mature guys. One was a lecturer from a reputable university, and the other was a public accountant. Another addition to the class was the beautiful Regina, who later became the MC of our outdoor activity at the time.

In the meantime, the students from Pre-Intermediate kept asking about my whereabout to the course coordinator. They missed me and wanted me to teach them back. My coordinator was very surprised knowing that I was DEMANDED! Yeah, once again, DEMANDEEED! Thus, she put me back in the pre-intermediate class. It was when I felt right back at home. It was the factor which finally put me in a more stable position at the course.

I remembered the bond, especially when I had to turn down their invitational offer for dinner. It was a very complicated situation, and I had to explain it to them. To my surprise, they invited me again for dinner. Playing trick on them, the most memorable one was making Emi literally jumping out for a horror story and hiding Ogi's bag during the final test. If I have to mention their name one by one, I will have to carve them in my very grateful heart. Emi, Angel, Gina, Yaya, and Ogi.

So, what's the lesson? I think it is being yourself. Don't force yourself to be someone you're not. If you teach in a Bohemian Style, and you enjoy it, your students will feel that. They will enjoy you in turn.

Chronicle #4 : Mimika

The fourth classical experience in teaching came to me upon the chance of giving tutorial. Sanata Dharma decided to have a cooperative program with West Papua. That province sent some prospective students to study under the scholarship scheme. However, due to the different quality of education in Papua and Java, the university saw the importance of matriculation program.

The matriculation program aimed to provide a more solid basic for those students from Mimika, at least in the three basic subjects, Math, English, and Indonesian. Thus, the matriculation was given to the three study programs in Education Faculty. Being a 'lucky' student in the English Education program, I was selected to be one of the tutors. I'd say lucky, since I went to the common room during the appropriate time, and seeing my face, suddenly I got the offer to teach.

Considering that English might be difficult, we were alloted 6 meetings. Those were then divided into 6 different tutors, consisting of 3 student-teachers, 1 real teacher, and 2 lecturers. Furthermore, it was divided into several different skills. I was lucky to get speaking, working together with Bu Ade, an English teacher from SMK Pembangunan.

Just as we thought, the students were difficult. There were 20 students initially, but their number decreased over time. The learning pace was VERY SLOW, and the tutors had to be extremely patient. It was even added with the fact that during a morning session – which is unfortunately my session – they could come late for almost half an hour.

Some students were problematic, no hyperbolic expresssion intended. When we shared among the tutors, there was always one name sprung up and heated our discussion. The student's name was Marco. People thought that he was lazy, unmotivated to learn, and having an extremely low understanding. I myself never experienced that thing, since Marco rarely showed up during my session.

One day, I saw Marco in my session. He showed up late. And I found out that my partners' saying about him were all true. It was a challenge, and I decided to have a personal approach to him. Getting close to him and guide him step by step, started spending more time on him. It was frustrating at first, with countless repetition and explanation even for a simple thing. My head was almost exploding, and the rage started to accumulate within. But I affirmed myself that I could pass this.

After several meetings, I got a surprise. By the end of the class, Marco came to me and expressed his gratitude, “Sir, thank you so much for explaining extensively to me. Now I can understand those things. You know, I might be stupid, but by your explanation, I really wanted to learn more. You are the first person who came to me and repeat everything slowly. I felt ashamed for not having motivation. Thank you so much for caring about me!”

At that moment, I had an instant meltdown inside. Is that the key? Seeing your student as a human being, not a machine. That however bad your students are, you still have to treat them as a human being, cura personalis. And the persistence in personification will result in a trusting bond.

In the end, Marco did not keep his words. He failed the matriculation and was sent back to Mimika. But he did give me something to learn and reflect. How to treat your student.

And trust me, fellow teachers, if you had that moment, you will realize that some things cannot just be measured by money.

Chronicle #3 : SMA 6

As a student of Teacher Training Faculty, there is an obligatory step to pass, Practice Teaching, or commonly referred as PPL. Well, I could not escape from that obligation as well, thus I had to undergo that at 2007. Actually, I requested specially to be placed in the school which had the international class, for the sake of my research. To be more specific, I requested to be put together with my research fellows. But tha fate brought me another story.

Not only being separated from my research fellows, I was a little bit shocked knowing that I was put in SMA 6. Well, the first impression of that senior high school is never good. It is still famous for the juvenile. Gee, I was never a naughty boy in the first place. Well, I was and still am tricky, sometimes naughty, but never into juvenile. Hell, I even despised school gang when I was still in the senior high. It was a very frightening thought.

Came the briefing time, and I was a bit relieved to find that my partners were good people. At least, they were reliable and cooperative. Not only from Sadhar, I also met student teachers from UNY and UAD. Well, never had the problem with people from UNY, but I did have a sharp covert conflict with UAD, even involving manipulating students to hate them and put bad stigma for them in the common room. You can say that I learnt how to be a cunning politician back then, how to create disgrace without being known.

Enough for that, since it will just be a completely new story and journal. This chronicle talked about the teaching experience, anyway. In that case, I was lucky for I got a nice supervising teacher. Pak Harwanto, English teacher specialized in teaching conversation and speaking. He usually taught the material out of the curriculum. His principle is encouraging the students to speak English, regarding the curriculum. Furthermore, he loved his job very much. Therefore, I never experienced the “slavery” that most practice students had. Ohohohohoho!! arrogant laugh

Pak Harwanto gave us a whole week, teaching the same material for 14 classes, and that was it. No more. So, I taught 7 meeting in 7 different classes (1st grade) with the same material, while Kenyar taught the same number of class in the 2nd grade. In the following week, we had already been freed from any teaching task. WHAT A BLISSFUL HEAVEN!!!

Being placed under that type of teacher, my Bohemian style of teaching was further developed and encouraged. He never asked me and Kenyar, the other student teacher, to write him a lesson plan and curriculum. Hell, we were never bothered with making those stuffs until the end of the program. He only asked us what to teach, a small discussion about the material, and that's it. He even asked me to give mark to Kenyar, and vice versa. Being given chance like that, of course we gave one another A. Gyahahahaha!

Well, eventhough we taught in Bohemian style, we prepared our teaching material well. I still remember how I brought my own computer speaker to the class only for the sake of listening. Carrying the same experience of teaching in SEDC, I tried to get close to the students. Well, to be honest, I never put myself higher than those students, but trying to fit into their circle instead. Thus, the students were not afraid to me, but at the same time, they will be more obedient, since the communication is like a communication between friend.

They enjoy our classes, even though I said it myself. Being a tricky boy who loved to play trick on student teacher when I was in Senior High, I was afraid of having the same experience myself. Karmic consequence, eh? But it never happened, to my surprise. I even played trick on my students, and they were never offended, even enjoyed it. Err, I'd say that I outwitted those tricky students. That resulted in having a very WILD class. People might thought that my class was wrecked in havoc, with loud voices and shouts here and there. But hey, those were speaking classes, and the louder the merrier, eh? Pak Harwanto expressed no complaint, he even enjoyed the class.

The students? No complaint, no trick, and not even any violence. I even revised my impression that SMA 6 students ARE nice. Once you get close to them, they will even treat you as friend. I even spent the break time with some students at the canteen. Treating one another and gossiping about beautiful female students. Gee, it was a very nice experience.

Then, what is the lesson to pick from this chronicle? What did I learn from teaching at SMA 6? I guess the biggest thing I acquired was the encouragement for my bohemian teaching style. Hehehehehe! It's not wrong to be a bohemian teacher, as long as you can bring joy and knowledge to both your students and yourself. La Vie Boheme!!!

Chronicle #2 : Mahatma

The second massive teaching experience took place during my SPD class. At that class, every group is supposed to teach in at least one class of non-educational institution. Every group is independent, in a sense that the lecturer paid no attention to you material development or your teaching methodology. The concern here lied in the professionalism and the art of entrepreneurship.

I was very lucky to team-up with incredible people. Mahatma, the name of our team, consisted of Non, a nice lady with strong determination, Dee, who provided us with nearly-infinite networking and negotiating, Riri, who brought about creative energy towards us, Fajar, the walking dictionary, Nugroho, our gadget expert and technician, as well as Yudi, the hardworker. We were so close, even grew into a family of our own, dwelling in the Self Access Centre.

Our passion and determination resulted in two clients, Poltabes Yogya and Grand Mercure Hotel. We broke the record of income (which is not yet broken up until now) in SPD class, resulting in 7 million only from Poltabes. Those were nice time, since I had the chance of teaching adult learners. My (supposed to be) students are the commissioners, Kapolres, and some high-leveled officers. Well, considering the nature of the police, I only taught one effective class there.

Nope, that didn't mean that I only taught once in Poltabes. We still had the other class there, for Tourism Police. At least, I had the chance of teaching them as well. Fun, though the students were not really memorable. The funnest thing is the teamwork with those incredible individuals.

We had also classes in Grand Mercure Hotel. Teaching English for Hotel Staff. Again, the students were not so great, but the process was superb! I mean, we dwelt in SAC for finishing the material, working together with 5 borrowed laptops on the table (at that time, having laptop is still a privilege to some people only), accessing the internet with connection made specially for us (and there was no hotspot back then). We had lunch in the lab, something forbidden, but we were covered by the SAC attendants, and even took a nap on the couch there. In short, the SAC became our own office.

The Grand Mercure Hotel was satisfied with our work, and they extended the contract into a more specific purposes, English for Spa. This time, it was more fun than the previous, since our students were more diligent, and we had the class in spa! The real spa, with the welcoming drink. Ahahahaha, it was a very unique experience. When are you going to have a class again in the massage room?? Therapy room??

The satisfaction continued, and we were contacted for a third contract. However, some members had already busy with their own business, and we decided to disband Mahatma. And that was the end of an era, concluding the second chronicle of my teaching experience.

Chronicle #1 : SEDC

The prospect of continuing my study brings about its own consequence, I have to stop teaching for a year or more. It will be a very difficult thing to do, since I've been teaching for six years by now. Both good things and good things happened through the time being. I've encountered various people, various classes, in various condition. Thus, to honor those people as my stepping stone of learning, here I will be writing a chronicle for each and every class.

My very first chance of teaching started at August 2004, as a debate coach in SEDC, Smada English Debating Community. I was nobody back then. Although I studied at English Education, where I was supposed to be trained as a teacher, I didn't get any teaching theory or classes in my first year. So, I brought nothing, no underlying theories or principles. All I did was relying on my instinct and feeling, recalling my expectation of what a good teacher should be.

Well, it was never a formal class, since I was entrusted to coach a debating club in my former high school. There were no fixed syllabus, no fixed lesson plan, or even fixed rules. Nothing. Everything was left to me, I could do anything I wanted. But it was really valuable, for I learned how to teach by myself, I got many chances to develop my own teaching style. Moreover, I acquired myself brothers and sisters.

My relation with the trainee was different. In some ways, I never put myself higher than them. They were never considered as subordinate, just little brothers and sisters. They learned how to debate, how to solve the problem, and I shared the same things. We grew into a family, where one shared the problems to the others. Love and hate grew at the same time.

Training was never the only thing I did then. I learned how to cope with various problems. Motivating them, even stood for them in time of need. Ah, hell, I think I've written a lot about SEDC here in this blog. But the words will never be able to convey the real feeling dwelling within this soul. The warmth that those children emanated and resonated with one another.

I found myself one of my greatest brothers and friends in form of a problematic student. He was almost kicked out, and I learned through him how to stand for someone. How to encourage people, how to motivate people, as well as how to be there in the time of need.

The problem from the outside kept coming, and that was my test of endurance. To be honest, I was never strong enough to keep standing firm. No, I shed my tears million times, both in front of them or behind them. The thought of quitting constantly came into my mind, but the students in one way or another expressed that I was still needed. And at that time, I learned how the true connection of students – teacher can be really strong. Though the teacher might be smarter or older, he doesn't necessarily need to be strong all the time. The students can be your source of energy.

During the hard period of my life, when I felt alone and loveless, the existence and smile of those students were rejuvenating. They made me realize, that though I possess no girlfriend, I still have them, and I would never be alone with them. The constant message asking for advice, the complains, the smiles, and the sharings are proofs that I am still needed and loved. Some people might consider it hyperbolic, but without those students back then, I might have committed suicide. They were the lanterns enlighting my dark path, when I encountered my inner demon and felt that I would lose.

With all those things, I was never hesitated to stand up for them. Though not always frontal, I even confronted my own faculty for them. I confronted some teachers that I used to adore and admire. Why? For the sake of those children.

The salary might never be enough in number, hell, some people even said that the salary was not humane. But, hey, not all things in this world can be measured by money. There are more valuable things, such as the appreciation that you got, the smile on your students' lips, the strong bond you forged, and the sense of belonging. Those are the reason for me clinging to SEDC for 5 years.

5 years of happiness, if I may say. Those years weren't always filled with laughter and smiles. But even the cries and the tears are making it more worthed.

SEDC, my very first class, my very first students, but will never be my end. The 6 batches of SEDC debaters, whoever you are, you will always live in my memory and remembrance.

My Glee Club

After finishing Glee: Complete Season One and watching its season Finale, my tears rolled out in the cheek. The song To Sir With Love had touched the very core of my passion, and at that time I was reminded to my own experience, coaching my own "Glee Club".

I already found out since the very first time watching Glee, that this is a story I can connect myself too. I did have the experience of handling underdog team, SEDC.

Just like Glee, SEDC was nothing. I only got few members, and we never won any competition at my first year of coaching. The school gave us nothing, and we had to try hard to sponsor ourselves. Most of the time, transportation became an obstacle, and the coaches had to escort the members to the competition. Not to mention refreshment and calling credit. Meanwhile, the payback was not that much (financially, but not emotionally).

The Sue Sylvester figure was also there for us. She kept trying to sabotage us in various competitions, making us lose in a completely unfair matter. And just like the character, it was (finally known to be) done out of jealousy. The first year was just another crash and burn. Most of the time, we got beaten up in our last step.

However, as the world turned, we managed to secure ourselves several positions. And from that time, we grew bigger and seized some spotlights at school. And that's how my "glee club" went from nothing to something. Guys, I'm proud of you.

A Letter to Sarasvati

Oh Sarasvati, the goddess of knowledge and learning,

It is said that you rule all about knowledge, learning, and knowledge. You are also the goddess of speech, the ruler of wisdom. The matron of all teachers in the world.

I just wanna ask you, how to be a good teacher? Should a good teacher be loved by all the disciples? Should a good teacher gave all what the students want? But how do the students know what they need?

I used to hear a saying from a wise senior, to be a good teacher, we should be ready to be unpopular leader. We should be ready to face the hatred from the students, for we should not spoil them. She said that sometimes the students do not even know what they need, and what they want is not always what they need. They have to realize that learning is not always easy and fun all the time. When the time is right, they will even feel the stress.

By the time I heard that, I found it ridiculous. For me, a good teacher should be someone who is accepted by the students, able to give direction from the inside. It worked, in several occasions. But then, when I face the class which I need to push harder, they refuse to work hard. I tried so hard to discipline them, but they saw me as a mere devil. I asked them to work hard, for they needed it, but I was labeled as evil. But I couldn't lower my standard, for they really need to achieve the threshold. If I lower it, they will not be able to gain the respect they need later on. And I don't want that.

To please everybody is not an easy job, not even a good thing to do. Am I not that ready to be an unpopular leader? I know I strayed too far from my ideal figure, but I've tried so hard to reach that. Being Mr. Nice Teacher in this case will not help them, will not help me either.

Oh matron, what should I do? What should I even try to do?

Lead my tongue with the melody of your guitar, and sprinkle my brain with your holy water. Let me dance the rhythm of wisdom, and guide my speech to the road of betterment.

The Call - Another Ranting of Faith and Belief

It started out as a feeling,
Which then grow into a hope
Which then turn into a quiet thought
Which then turn into a quite word
And then the word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I’ll call back when you call me

That was a lyric from “The Call”, an ending song of Chronicles of Narnia : Prince Caspian. The song was sung by Regina Spektor. Ever since I first heard it in the cinema, I was drawn into it. Well, the melody is the one I like. Googling for it, but never got the MP3, perhaps because it is not a famous song. However, thanks to the miracle called youtube, I was able to get it complete with the lyrics.

No, I’m not going to comment on the song, on how it really is good. Still related to the previous post of mine, about the call. Is it an accident that I stumbled into this song on my playlist this morning? The very first part of the song gave me a clue of what a call is.

It was first a feeling, and then a hope, then we start thinking about it quietly, lingered in our mind. Okay, period here. I am in this stage, where the idea, the feeling lingered in my mind for like an eternity. But for me, that word is not, I mean, has not become louder as a battle cry. Instead, it is (still) a whisper.

Pay attention to the last line, I’ll call you back when you call me. So much of my missed-call concept, eh? That I’m delaying replying the call from above until I’m ready. But when is the exact time of my readiness? Is it now? Now that I’ve entered the grey area of life?

I humbly realized that no single living entity under heaven could help me in making decision. It’s solely the product of my own mind. In a flash, my mind flew back to SPD class, where bu Lani told us about CAC, Choice, Action, and Consequences. That we have to be ready to take any consequence from any of our action.

Going back to the fire aspect, I think I have yet to discover the fire within my soul. That fire will be the driving force (and no, I’m not referring to libido, since the context is out of Freud!). Once I find it, I’ll know where to go. Thus, I have to once again depart for a journey to my deepest self. Kinda remind me of tarot, where Hermit card is said to be my personal card, along with High Priestess. High Priestess means the esotheric side, and Hermit means a journey within to look something veiled deep in the soul of ours.

Gee, what’s the bottomline of my ranting? That I stumbled into a perfect song to add my confusion!

PS : Romo Agus replied my email of confusion and responded. “Maybe it’s good to consider your feeling over those options. What feeling is more dominant, then follow it!” (automatically translated into English – red. Huahahahahaha!)

Ranting from AJCU - EAO Annual Meeting 2008

Still another rambling from last AJCU-EAO Annual Meeting. This time, I’m going to rant on the very first session of the meeting, presentation of GC 35 result. Father Bambang from ATMI Solo presented his understanding on it, putting the emphasis on the 4F, which are Fire, Frontier, Fidelity, and Friendship. Those points were quite interesting and inspiring though, with the tagline to summarize it saying “Fire in our hearts, Frontier is the mission, Fidelity is the cause, and Friendship is the way.”

Hmm, talking about the fire and frontier, it really is inspiring. Fire burning within the heart to start the frontier. But, I’m not writing to preach upon those. It is so not me to preach something that I didn’t do. Some parts of his paper are the main point of discussion here in this article. It tickled me so hard, pondered my mind quickly, and banged my soul to pieces. It was under the sub-heading “Religion in the Post-Modern World”.

“The Renaissance and sociologist in the forties, made a hypothesis that religion will slowly disappear. Contrary to that prediction, in the post-modern society, religion way of lives still exists and can grow in the framework of secular government system. Religion and religious lives still give the important foundation where the collective and personal identity can be formed. This becomes a source of extraordinary energy to motivate common action. The Renaissance, which brought the demystification of the world, has reached its limits. Indirectly, what is the most essential in religiosity comes to surface in our age, as an irreplaceable horizon, which can even embrace the most secular.

(Yep, I’ll give my comment directly per paragraph between brackets. Can’t deny the fact that religion is still considered important, though it doesn’t rule every aspect of life. GOD! I can’t imagine my whole life being controlled by those strict rules. I mean, there are some good points in religion, but giving my life all to those dogmas? You gotta be kidding me! Giving my life all to God is okay, but to Dogmas??? Get real, dude! Dogmas are man-made. And, I believe with all my heart, that God didn’t spend His time to construct strict rules, like how we should pray, when should we pray, what should and shouldn’t be eaten, what tools to use, and blah blah blah….. Call me heretic if you want, but for me rules are made to break. Place as many rules around me, and I’ll find a way to break it without anyone accusing me guilty. Wait, that’s so Jesuit, isn’t it? Hehehehe… kidding!)

“In the modern society, religion is practices in the context of technical, rational, science based, and communication media focused environment. Those are not the main problem. The most dangerous threat to religion is the individualism which grows together with modernity. It is the very problem which is fought against by fundamentalist movement, or better expression: the “counter secular” movements. Individualism makes religion lost its unifying social role. The trend is to treat religion like supermarket, where rituals, myth, and mysticism, as well as dogma can be chosen as individual likeness. The pure individualistic and market oriented approach creates a spirituality which is incomplete and without commitment.”

(DAMN! This is the very point which strikes me in heart, pierced my soul and shattered it to million crunches. I put logic in every ritual that I had to follow, analyze those in many angles. I started to hate the unity, hate the fact that I’m going to meet many people in churches. Hate seeing people that I considered as hypocrites, placing religion above GOD Himself. Especially after the incident with that BITCH named FEA. Yep, I finally write her real name. Still can’t forgive her for that, way too deep, brainless girl. Wew, I ranted again….. Sorry guys. Back to topic, I went studying other religions, even those paganisms. I was into Kabala, Buddhism, Hinduism, and lately, I studied Druidism. Am I just a customer in the market? My real reason for avoiding going to mass all this time is this boredom towards the long ritual as well as the annoyance of people who place rituals and dogmas as something strict as nail.)

Here comes the most surprising fact. Despite those rants and ramblings I had above, I did consider entering the scholastic! Marvelous!!! What could be funnier?

The Final Battle of SEDC??

As Prof. Diggory from The Chonicles of Narnia said, “I am fortunate enough to be able to see the dawn and creation of Narnia. I never thought that I can live long enough to see its dusk and destruction!” Yes, the feeling he shared with me.

This is still about the SEDC (Smada English Debating Society). As stated in my previous post, I decided to resign and make this year as my last training year there. Ika has pledged her loyalty to replace me next year, though this year she already taught. Well, call it probation moment.

However, one thing that I miscalculated was the fact that she doesn't change her mentality, that she doesn't grow up. Her temperament IS still the biggest problem ever. This is added with her ambition to repeat SEDC's achievement in her era. Thus, it really contradicts the basic nature of SEDC, that we are debating for fun, enjoying the process.

The initial problem came along with the conflict with Pak Her. Well, this conflict has actually initiated when she was still in senior high. However, she forgot that Pak Her is the founder as well as the greatest supporter for SEDC. Without him, there can't be any SEDC. But she refused to have any kind of communication with him. D'oh!

The next problem was her conflict with Dio's team. Dio, Lis, and Yog. Yog never really came to practice, and this made Ika really angry. She thought that Yog had underestimated her. She refused to see that Yog rarely came to school as well, due to his career as tennis athlete. This, in turn, caused the friction among these people, the banning of Dio's team by Ika.

Surely, Dio cs was very angry. They decided to stand independently, not under SEDC (or more precisely, not under Ika). They got their support from the teachers. And when I knew this, I started to think that this might trigger SEDC self-destruction from within. My fault, leaving most of the authority in Ika's hand.

Well, in the end, they tried to go into the competition and lost. After that, I received message, they decided to resign from the whole debating world. They said sorry for all of this, but these three couldn't take Ika as their mentor anymore. The team actually asked me to retake and reassume the position, but for many reason, I just can't.

Recently, just few days ago, Ika texted me.She said that she had enough with the junior. They are quite hard to join the competition. She said to me all in capital, that SHE IS SICK WITH THEM! Meaning, she had enough of them?? What????

Well, I've seen the birth and the dawn of SEDC, been nurturing it ever since the birth, seeing their climax, achieving the first winner of Provincial Competition, seeing them went into ALSA. And now, together with my resignation, I will see its last glory?

Duh, I really want someone capable enough to continue this legacy of mine. To continue their glory. Don't let SEDC fall apart, God!

Lysistrata Mocking Dance

Okay, today I suddenly have this strong desire to look back on what happened a year ago. Lysistrata! The play performed by my class. Since I love all the songs and dance there (I wrote the lyrics for some of the songs, hehehehe!), I uploaded several videos of the dance. And what I love most is the mocking dance, the fight between males and females.

However, let us see the quarrel between these two. If I asked this question of power, who is the strongest? Male or female?

IMHO, the female is the strongest within, whereas male only look strong outside. Yet, the true power is possesed deep within woman's heart. Deep within their souls, lies beyond the pain and torture. And the simplest proof is their strength to carry baby for 9 months, their strength to overcome the pain of giving birth. It reflects their adaptability and adjustability to most of the pain and sorrow, for those are just easier than the process of pregnancy.

I'll write further elaboration next time. This time, just enjoy the video!!