Serpihan diriku

Aku masih belum bisa menyatukan ketiga serpihan dari diriku, karena mereka masih saling mendominasi dan bekerja bertentangan. Masing-masing mengambil alih yang lainnya dan mengerjakan sesuatu yang bertentangan.
Chrys yang masih bersikeras untuk hidup sendiri, menjadi seorang workaholic. Menjadikan pekerjaan sebagai pelarian dari semua masalah. Yang selalu merasa muak dan benci melihat apa yang dikerjakan Ali. Muak pada apa yang disukai Ali. Bahkan sampai muntah-muntah melihatnya. Yang mencoba untuk menutup dirinya sendiri, menyegelnya dengan segala trauma dan ketakutan akan kesakitan. Berpenampilan rapi, konservatif, dan necis........
Siddha yang masih kukuh memegang impian masa kecil, untuk memiliki sebuah keluarga bahagia. Yang masih mencoba mencari sebuah cinta, memilikinya untuk pertama dan terakhir kalinya, dengan sangat naifnya! Yang masih memuja wanita lugu dan lembut, dan tidak pernah bisa berpisah dari kenangan cinta pertama. Masih dengan lembutnya memberikan perhatian kepada siapapun yang membutuhkan. (Ini hal aneh yang akan diherankan oleh orang-orang yang mengenalku sebagai Chrys!) Dengan lembut akan memberikan jaketnya kepada seorang wanita kedinginan. Yang dengan naifnya merindukan peluk hangat persahabatan dari seseorang. Tidak pernah peduli akan penampilan dan baju luar. Selalu dengan cueknya memakai baju yang tidak pernah sesuai.
Ali, yang masih dengan kokoh menjadi kutub berbeda dari Chrys. Yang merindukan kobaran nafsu, dan menginginkan seseorang tanpa mencintai dan menyayanginya. (Kontras kan dengan apa yang diinginkan Siddha). Ali is driven by lust and madness....... Yang dengan segala pesonanya dicintai dan diingini oleh banyak orang (yang tidak pernah disukai oleh Chrys dan Siddha), tetapi selalu menolaknya dengan sombong. Ali yang selalu berusaha untuk berpenampilan trendi, stylish, dan fashionable.
Entah kapan mereka bertiga akan kembali berdamai......... Entah kapan mereka bertiga akan kembali bersatu, membentuk sebuah kepribadian yang satu. Berhenti dari semua pertentangan mereka...... Mencintai orang yang sama, mengingini orang yang sama, dan (pada akhirnya) akan memiliki orang yang sama!

Diamdiamdiam

Pernahkah kau menginginkan sesuatu, kau inginkan dengan sangat, tapi pada saat yang sama, bagian lain dari tubuhmu menolaknya?

Pernahkah kau menyukai sesuatu, terangsang dibuatnya, tapi pada saat yang sama bagian lain dari dirimu membencinya, mual melihatnya?

Pernahkah kau merasakan kontradiksi di dalam dirimu, dimana satu bagian menginginkan sesuatu, dan bagian lain menginginkan hal lain yang berlawanan?

Pernahkah kau berusaha keras melawan dan membunuh bagian dari dirimu sendiri?

Mungkin kau tidak tahu..................
Mungkin kau tidak pernah mengerti......................
Dan mungkin juga.........................
Kau tidak akan pernah paham..........................
Rasa sulitnya berdiri di tengah-tengah.....................

Tenggelam dalam pertarungan dua pribadi
Di dalammu
Terjepit di tengah usaha dominasi
Dua bagian jiwamu


Hanya bisa diam
Berdoa dan merenung
Menanti kemenangan salah satu
Dan menyerah pada apapun yang diputuskan

Diam

Diam

Diam

Tunduk
Takluk
Diam
Mati

Diamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiamdiam

Hmm, just a random writing.......

I've been so very busy, and totally have no time for myself, to let my own fingers dancing on the keyboard and get my mind out of the closet. So, today when my class finish earlier, I decided to go online and let my fingers out for practice, though practically I have no idea about what to write. Umm, actually, I have so many things dancing inside my mind, seducing my fingers to open the gate for them. But really, I don't even have time for myself.......

Well, the first thing in my list is the existence of the new programme in campus. I don't know what was it called, Indowisata or sumthing. So, it was the programme where people from Aussie are visiting Indonesia, to learn more about Indonesia, to learn about the language, to learn about the CULTURE!!!!!! (Emphasis the last item!)Let's go on..... So, the campus has to provide people to accompany and assist them in their visit. And to my surprise, almost all of the chosen people are blind of jogjakarta culture. They don't even know the history of Kraton, or where Tembi is???????? WHAT THE FUCK????? Most of them are even people from outside Jogjakarta (Batam, Jakarta, Bali, etc...) Well, I don't say that I should be selected. Really, I have no time for that, but at least they can try to look for better people!!!

Move on to the next list (WHAT?? SO SHORT??? I dunno, probably my head is just overwhelmed with the idea, so that they can't flow freely)..... The flirty boy! Yeah, finally I got rid of his annoyance and disturbance! Non posed as my gf and called him, saying that she is iritated by his attitude, and asked him to try not to disturb me again with his horny messages. Well, I'm quite touched when he sais that he didn't want to be separated from me, but duh, I can't be his boyfriend. I still have my whole life in front of me, and I don't want to ruin it. My options are many and scattered, and I just need to look for it. It is one of the available option, but the rest are also many.

Still in relation with the previous paragraph..... (Uhuy!!!), I finally learn to accept myself, (well, not in term of coming out or sort, but not in denying myself, and my own condition. I found someone, whom I can talk to about the intimate experience, without any fright. She accept me the way I am, and encourage me to love myself more. And I did that, trying to love myself, accept myself the way I am......

After that long paragraph, I dunno why, everything starts to fade.... Well, my idea seems to stuck! So, let's end it here! C U!!!!!

On Writing!!!!

Wew, just read the announcement in my campus about the book launching and discussion. Well, so late, for the event was held last week, and I'm so not interested in the topic. Politics and Army! Wew, I hate Army that much, and I'm already fed up with politics, so I always skip that poster.

But, today, when I walk and sneak a peek on the poster, I saw one familiar name there, Femi Adi Soempeno. For one second, my heart feels like stop beating. I continue exploring the poster, and saw another familiar name, A.A. Kunto A. Both acted as the writers! And in an instant, my heart screamed, "What the $^#^#*!!!!!!!"

I know both of them, all are my colleagues (or seniors) in Bernas. They (and I, surely) really love writing, and both of them are working as writers, journalists. And now, they have achieved this much. On a second thought, I re-explore the poster, and see whether it was Sanggar Talenta's (Foolish thought! It had been dismissed several years ago!), but it wasn't! They wrote by themselves, and published under Galang Press.

Looking at their achievements, I can't help but wondering. How far have I achieved? Compared to them, I'm just nothin'! How I really missed writing, but my time is elsewhere. How I really long for the ecstacy and pleasure of the flowing idea, breaking through conventional rule, and just let my fingers dance on the keyboard. Miss my lunch, dinner, and breakfast, until I finished the composition.

I want to feel the joy of finishing Cyborg Romance, the satisfaction of finishing Interogator, and the orgasm of finishing Srikandi. The calmness and relieving when finishing Bhisma. I long for the unification between me and Josh in Cyborg Roman, missing my identification with Ali in Interogator, and speaking my mind through Srikandi........

God, I wish I had all the time in the world! To finish all my unfinished writing! How the hell am I supposed to finish Lentera Senja (the one with Gilang, Layung, Surya, etc!), how am I supposed to finish my perfection of Interogator?????

GOD!!!!! I long for writing!!!!!!!

Siddha!

Iseng-iseng aku buka Wikipedia. Ga ada kerjaan, aku search aja arti Siddha, (walopun dari dulu dah dikasih tau artinya ma bapak-ibu). N, begitu buka resultnya.......

A Siddha in Sanskrit means "One who is accomplished" and refers to perfected masters who have transcended the Ahamkara (Ego or I-maker), have subdued their minds to be subservient to their Awareness, and have transformed their bodies composed mainly of dense Rajo-tama Gunas into a different kind of bodies dominated by Satva. This is usually accomplished only by persistent meditation over many lifetimes.

A Siddha has also been defined to refer to one who has attained a Siddhi. The Siddhis as paranormal abilities are considered emergent abilities of an individual that is on the path to Siddhahood, and do not define a Siddha, who is established in the Pranav - the Aum, which is the spiritual substrate of creation. The Siddhi in its pure form means "the attainment of flawless identity with Reality (Brahman); perfection of Spirit."

Wao wao woa!!!! Apa itu??? What the........ Sial! Jauh banget! Person who has achieved oerfection? Edan! Jangankan jadi perfect being, kehidupan dan diriku aja super amburadul, masih ga jelas juntrungannya!

Mau nggak mau, aku teringat lagi akan kehidupanku, akan begitu banyak jalan yang kusesali! Akan keadaan diriku sekarang yang jauh dari sempurna! Akan kepribadianku yang sama sekali tidak bisa kutaklukan! Hahahaha, ironis banget! Jauh...............................