Unheimlich
adalah ikan yang dikeluarkan dari air
berkelebat-kelebit panik mencari napas
di penghujung hayatnya
mencoba mengulur waktu
walau bimbang
mengingat belaian sungai
atau mempersiapkan diri menuju ajal
serta ragu
antara maju penuh sakit
atau mundur yang tak mungkin
atau bertahan di antara
dan tak berdaya
sama seperti saat ia
ada di batas
hidup dan mati
saat dilahirkan
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
The Price
Charlene’s song “I’ve Never Been
To Me” had been echoing in my head in the last few weeks. It was consoling yet
pretty much slapping me in both cheeks. Charlene sang the story of two ladies with
two different lives; one who lived a domestic life and another one lived her
limitless freedom. Both ladies mourned over their choices and wished to walk in
another’s path. Oh human, always vying for what they don’t have and constantly
feeling dissatisfied with what they already have....
Unfortunately, that song
resonated with what my own experience. Somehow, listening to that beautiful
songstress unearthed an anxiety within me. Being stranded in Macau to pursue my
doctorate degree and that silly ambition of obtaining the degree before
entering my fourth decade in life had got me thinking a lot lately. I came back
into solitude one more time, just right after experiencing a very festive life
in Jakarta with Vita Voxa and some friends I made there. But being here in
Macau led me into solace without the ability to make friends due to the language
barrier.
Did my silly ambition lead me to
live my freedom without border and leave the domesticated life I could have? To
think that I sacrificed the opportunities (countless opportunities) to settle
down and just be a normal husband in such a boring household for this ambition
of attaining knowledge and title. How many women I left and hurt just because I
prioritised my pursuit of doctorate degree over my love life? How many times
had I braced myself over the stupid commentaries and constant question, “When
are you going to get married?”
I always responded to the
question by saying that I prioritised my study over anything. And if there was
something I really wanted, it was the freedom and wings to explore the world.
This was the realisation I had when conversing with Sarasvati Devi on the peak
of Gunung Lawu. My ambition to obtain this degree and this knowledge is similar
to ancient heroes’ struggle to wield and harness the most powerful weapon.
Knowledge and education are the new Excalibur, the new Masamune, the new
Pasopati. By mastering the knowledge, one will gain such an immense power to
conquer the world. That is the war we had to fight in the recent days.
Yet power will never be gratis.
There is always something one has to pay for that. This solitude, this
separation, and this anxiety are the price I have to pay. Just like Charlene’s
heroine in the song, one will always have regrets. The price has been paid in
advance now, why should I give up and wasted my payment?
Five Great Generals of Macau
My first month in Macau has been completely different from my first month in Jakarta. It was not devoid of any spiritual encounter nor the vivid dreams. Well, vivid dreams were never something strange for me. However, insomniac encounter is. And this was the most terrifying insomniac encounter I've experienced here.
It was started couple of days ago, when I had my first insomnia in years. To think about it, my last insomnia was during my undergraduate years. That was the olden days of yore, wasn't it? So, it was a complete panic in my side to find out that I couldn't sleep after 1 o'clock in the morning. There had to be something! Something!!!!!
For the next hour, I was just rolling on my bed, trying to hard to be asleep. And yes, there were some bizarre methods for that. And no, I'm not going to spill the beans here.
Two o'clock and my eyes were still open. DAMN! I needed to wake up early in the following morning. With such a might of a berserker, I forced my eyes to follow my command. Instead of meeting the pitch black velvet, I got a vision. There were five people all dressed in black rode their black horses into the direction of University of Macau. WHAT THE????
When they got closer, I could see the dress they were wearing. It was old Portuguese soldier costumes. All of a sudden, they introduced themselves as five great generals who once ruled over Macau in the olden years. I could hear the sound of horses rambling and shrieking under my window. All of a sudden, the other four generals went to four different direction inside the campus. They rode their horses fiercely and unsheathed their swords and swung it in such threatening way. What about the other one? He stayed in front of my building and did the same way.
WHAT THE?? I knew they were trying to find me and reach me. But with that attitude? It lasted until three o'clock in the morning, and that was when I realised. Three o'clock is always the bewitching hour of dawn. What was this site before it became University of Macau??????
It was started couple of days ago, when I had my first insomnia in years. To think about it, my last insomnia was during my undergraduate years. That was the olden days of yore, wasn't it? So, it was a complete panic in my side to find out that I couldn't sleep after 1 o'clock in the morning. There had to be something! Something!!!!!
For the next hour, I was just rolling on my bed, trying to hard to be asleep. And yes, there were some bizarre methods for that. And no, I'm not going to spill the beans here.
Two o'clock and my eyes were still open. DAMN! I needed to wake up early in the following morning. With such a might of a berserker, I forced my eyes to follow my command. Instead of meeting the pitch black velvet, I got a vision. There were five people all dressed in black rode their black horses into the direction of University of Macau. WHAT THE????
When they got closer, I could see the dress they were wearing. It was old Portuguese soldier costumes. All of a sudden, they introduced themselves as five great generals who once ruled over Macau in the olden years. I could hear the sound of horses rambling and shrieking under my window. All of a sudden, the other four generals went to four different direction inside the campus. They rode their horses fiercely and unsheathed their swords and swung it in such threatening way. What about the other one? He stayed in front of my building and did the same way.
WHAT THE?? I knew they were trying to find me and reach me. But with that attitude? It lasted until three o'clock in the morning, and that was when I realised. Three o'clock is always the bewitching hour of dawn. What was this site before it became University of Macau??????
Thursday, July 04, 2013
A Dream From Last Decade
Having loads of spare time, I decided to revisit some old files stored in the harddrive. It was quite funny,as I kept them intact for years without opening. When those scattered old files were explored, some files were dated back nine to ten years ago. Time sure flies.
Among those files, a small scribble on my gang’s future was found. Being gifted by such a wild imagination, I wrote that supposedly sentimental piece of writing. The story revolved around what happened to us ten years after our high school graduation.At that time, ten years seem to be such a long time, far into the future. Yet if I graduated on 2004 from high school, then 2014 would be ten years after.Thus it became so interesting in taking a careful look on what I had planned for my life, what did the innocent me have in mind.
Here goes! Ten years after my graduation from high school, I would be married to a psychologist, waiting for our first child. We would live in a compact two-story house with small kitchen where the two of us had our breakfast every morning. While my wife worked as a clinical psychologist (I swear, back then I had no idea that there are such divisions in psychology. All I could think of was that she would be helping people on the couch. Yes, apparently psychology equals to couch, no thanks to Freud!). And what was my dream job? Where did I work in this made-up future? Considering my naivete then, it was written that I worked as an English teacher in a private senior high school. Yes, a teacher with no additional title of Master or Doctor. What a simple life!!!
Reading that piece of novelette(yes, it was not just a short composition –it was a short story of 40 pages!!) unearthed the memory I've long forgotten. After high school, I did not dream of continuing my education. There was completely no plan of looking for any scholarship. Going to the university and getting a proper job were my ultimate two aims.
And where did that take me? Let’s just do a contrastive analysis and a reality check! First, where does I work now? Not a senior high. In fact, I will be jobless in the coming month. So,proper job, CROSSED! Second, I should be expecting my first child by now. Last time I checked, there was no wedding ring on my finger. No wife. Frankly, I don’t even know when I will finally marry my life partner! So, wife, CROSSED! Next, a compact two-story house with kitchen should be the place I’m living. Yeah,instead of that compact house, I get a compact boarding room. Yeah, compare that simple life of married teacher with this soon-to-be-jobless, unmarried guy living in a small boarding room. Life is indeed a harsh mistress, eh?
Do I regret that? This is such a difficult question. Had I been given such a simple life, can I even stay living like that without any boredom? So many things have changed since last decade.Life has thrown me into various hellish experiences that shaped me like what I am now. On the contrary, life has also thrown various opportunities to me, the opportunities I cannot say no to. They have their own consequences, so shan't have I any regret on my own choice. This is the path I am paving, ignoring the path to simple life a high-school-graduate me dreamed.
Monday, June 17, 2013
The Road to Ph.D #2: Conferences
The road to Ph.D is never an easy path. Some people were actually wondering, "You were only applying for the programme on late March, yet on June you already received the scholarship notification. That is an express counter!" But little did they know the long process behind this acceptance.
It was started in the beginning of 2012 (yes, far in the past). Being recently separated from the academic nuances of Cambridge, I felt the longing to scientific discussion. The real discussion, in which I did not need to chant "Children's Literature 101" for the sparring partners. So, when I saw some Call For Papers in some countries, I was suddenly motivated to send mine. There were three children's literature conferences I applied; San Fransisco, Canberra, and Taipei. Still clear in mind, it was on January 2012, when my spirit was burning even paying no attention to the potential funding problem.
First email came from San Fransisco, stating that they did not have any place for me and Risang (it was a collaborative paper). Canberra followed after, but with better news. It was quite funny to recall the revelation moment, as I was teaching TOEFL-Preparation class. Being such a procastinating teacher, internet was something unavoidable (especially while waiting for the students finishing their reading exercises). That was the moment when an email came from Tony Eaton confirming my acceptance. Still maintaining a poker face, I excused myself to go out (letting the students assuming I went for a loo break). Yet, in front of the door, the poker face changed instantly into a wide smile and stormed me into Simon's office. Taipei was no different from that moment, again in the TOEFL-Prep class. Looking back at those coincidences, TOEFL-Prep might be my good luck charm......
Canberra was my very first international conference. Knowing nothing about Australia, I went alone and self-funded (do not get me started on funding issue from my previous employer!). During the presentation, I met Kit Kelen, a professor from University of Macao, who became my moderator. Well, complication happen when my (now) ex got into the argument. The question my ex asked was, "So, how was the conference? Did you get any job offer or scholarship offer?" When I answer not yet, the response was "So, now you realise that your field is not profitable! Just go and change your subject while you still can!"
It hurt, like seriously. To be frank, which fool expects to get any scholarship offer or job offer on the first debut? But I took the words seriously and started doubting my choice. Is children's literature not that profitable? Am I bad enough that no opportunity waved over me? The words blurred my initial intention of joining conferences for the sake of enriching the knowledge and enlarging the network. Yes, I made a fool out of myself (no) thanks to the ex......
We broke up in August, yet not merely because of the conference in Canberra. The relationship trauma emerging fueled me to look for further escapade in the academia. Taipei still awaited me on November, for my third international conference (the second one in Malaysia is not closely related to children's literature). The determination to better myself as a distraction motivated me to write better and to be more focused. I was no longer thinking about any offer or possibility to continue the study. For me, those conferences would just be some entries in my CV as well as some experiences.
Surprisingly, I saw a familiar name in the participant list; Kit Kelen. Well, it certainly did not hurt to contact him through facebook asking about his participation. Furthermore, it's always nice to know one person or two in a coming conference.
Yet, this is the start of my further contact and discussion with him. It came as a surprise when he told me about his research and opening of Ph.D position. To think about everything, this is not an easy road and journey. The path was not paved in just one or two months, but years. And who said that joining those self-funded international conferences was useless?
It was started in the beginning of 2012 (yes, far in the past). Being recently separated from the academic nuances of Cambridge, I felt the longing to scientific discussion. The real discussion, in which I did not need to chant "Children's Literature 101" for the sparring partners. So, when I saw some Call For Papers in some countries, I was suddenly motivated to send mine. There were three children's literature conferences I applied; San Fransisco, Canberra, and Taipei. Still clear in mind, it was on January 2012, when my spirit was burning even paying no attention to the potential funding problem.
First email came from San Fransisco, stating that they did not have any place for me and Risang (it was a collaborative paper). Canberra followed after, but with better news. It was quite funny to recall the revelation moment, as I was teaching TOEFL-Preparation class. Being such a procastinating teacher, internet was something unavoidable (especially while waiting for the students finishing their reading exercises). That was the moment when an email came from Tony Eaton confirming my acceptance. Still maintaining a poker face, I excused myself to go out (letting the students assuming I went for a loo break). Yet, in front of the door, the poker face changed instantly into a wide smile and stormed me into Simon's office. Taipei was no different from that moment, again in the TOEFL-Prep class. Looking back at those coincidences, TOEFL-Prep might be my good luck charm......
Canberra was my very first international conference. Knowing nothing about Australia, I went alone and self-funded (do not get me started on funding issue from my previous employer!). During the presentation, I met Kit Kelen, a professor from University of Macao, who became my moderator. Well, complication happen when my (now) ex got into the argument. The question my ex asked was, "So, how was the conference? Did you get any job offer or scholarship offer?" When I answer not yet, the response was "So, now you realise that your field is not profitable! Just go and change your subject while you still can!"
It hurt, like seriously. To be frank, which fool expects to get any scholarship offer or job offer on the first debut? But I took the words seriously and started doubting my choice. Is children's literature not that profitable? Am I bad enough that no opportunity waved over me? The words blurred my initial intention of joining conferences for the sake of enriching the knowledge and enlarging the network. Yes, I made a fool out of myself (no) thanks to the ex......
We broke up in August, yet not merely because of the conference in Canberra. The relationship trauma emerging fueled me to look for further escapade in the academia. Taipei still awaited me on November, for my third international conference (the second one in Malaysia is not closely related to children's literature). The determination to better myself as a distraction motivated me to write better and to be more focused. I was no longer thinking about any offer or possibility to continue the study. For me, those conferences would just be some entries in my CV as well as some experiences.
Surprisingly, I saw a familiar name in the participant list; Kit Kelen. Well, it certainly did not hurt to contact him through facebook asking about his participation. Furthermore, it's always nice to know one person or two in a coming conference.
Yet, this is the start of my further contact and discussion with him. It came as a surprise when he told me about his research and opening of Ph.D position. To think about everything, this is not an easy road and journey. The path was not paved in just one or two months, but years. And who said that joining those self-funded international conferences was useless?
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