Unheimlich

Unheimlich
adalah ikan yang dikeluarkan dari air
berkelebat-kelebit panik mencari napas
di penghujung hayatnya
mencoba mengulur waktu
walau bimbang
mengingat belaian sungai
atau mempersiapkan diri menuju ajal
serta ragu
antara maju penuh sakit
atau mundur yang tak mungkin
atau bertahan di antara
dan tak berdaya
sama seperti saat ia
ada di batas
hidup dan mati
saat dilahirkan

The Price

Charlene’s song “I’ve Never Been To Me” had been echoing in my head in the last few weeks. It was consoling yet pretty much slapping me in both cheeks. Charlene sang the story of two ladies with two different lives; one who lived a domestic life and another one lived her limitless freedom. Both ladies mourned over their choices and wished to walk in another’s path. Oh human, always vying for what they don’t have and constantly feeling dissatisfied with what they already have....

Unfortunately, that song resonated with what my own experience. Somehow, listening to that beautiful songstress unearthed an anxiety within me. Being stranded in Macau to pursue my doctorate degree and that silly ambition of obtaining the degree before entering my fourth decade in life had got me thinking a lot lately. I came back into solitude one more time, just right after experiencing a very festive life in Jakarta with Vita Voxa and some friends I made there. But being here in Macau led me into solace without the ability to make friends due to the language barrier.

Did my silly ambition lead me to live my freedom without border and leave the domesticated life I could have? To think that I sacrificed the opportunities (countless opportunities) to settle down and just be a normal husband in such a boring household for this ambition of attaining knowledge and title. How many women I left and hurt just because I prioritised my pursuit of doctorate degree over my love life? How many times had I braced myself over the stupid commentaries and constant question, “When are you going to get married?”

I always responded to the question by saying that I prioritised my study over anything. And if there was something I really wanted, it was the freedom and wings to explore the world. This was the realisation I had when conversing with Sarasvati Devi on the peak of Gunung Lawu. My ambition to obtain this degree and this knowledge is similar to ancient heroes’ struggle to wield and harness the most powerful weapon. Knowledge and education are the new Excalibur, the new Masamune, the new Pasopati. By mastering the knowledge, one will gain such an immense power to conquer the world. That is the war we had to fight in the recent days.

Yet power will never be gratis. There is always something one has to pay for that. This solitude, this separation, and this anxiety are the price I have to pay. Just like Charlene’s heroine in the song, one will always have regrets. The price has been paid in advance now, why should I give up and wasted my payment?

Five Great Generals of Macau

My first month in Macau has been completely different from my first month in Jakarta. It was not devoid of any spiritual encounter nor the vivid dreams. Well, vivid dreams were never something strange for me. However, insomniac encounter is. And this was the most terrifying insomniac encounter I've experienced here.

It was started couple of days ago, when I had my first insomnia in years. To think about it, my last insomnia was during my undergraduate years. That was the olden days of yore, wasn't it? So, it was a complete panic in my side to find out that I couldn't sleep after 1 o'clock in the morning. There had to be something! Something!!!!!

For the next hour, I was just rolling on my bed, trying to hard to be asleep. And yes, there were some bizarre methods for that. And no, I'm not going to spill the beans here.

Two o'clock and my eyes were still open. DAMN! I needed to wake up early in the following morning. With such a might of a berserker, I forced my eyes to follow my command. Instead of meeting the pitch black velvet, I got a vision. There were five people all dressed in black rode their black horses into the direction of University of Macau. WHAT THE????

When they got closer, I could see the dress they were wearing. It was old Portuguese soldier costumes. All of a sudden, they introduced themselves as five great generals who once ruled over Macau in the olden years. I could hear the sound of horses rambling and shrieking under my window. All of a sudden, the other four generals went to four different direction inside the campus. They rode their horses fiercely and unsheathed their swords and swung it in such threatening way. What about the other one? He stayed in front of my building and did the same way.

WHAT THE?? I knew they were trying to find me and reach me. But with that attitude? It lasted until three o'clock in the morning, and that was when I realised. Three o'clock is always the bewitching hour of dawn. What was this site before it became University of Macau??????