Silent Conversation

SILENT CONVERSATION

I stopped down and started to look around. No one existed there. What I saw was just a perfect darkness imbued with the essence of dark black velvet. Yeah, I said in my mind, here I am in the perfect solitude. Exiling myself from the troublesome life I had. The world which didn’t even appreciate and accept me the way I am. Who am I? Just a commoner with nothing special!

No one wanted to end up here, in this perfect darkness and emptiness, except me. They were all enjoying their stay under the shower of the sunlight. And how stupid they were to never have time to stay silent and exiling themselves.

No trees were growing around me. No singing birds hopped near me. And even there were no color, except for the perfect black. No scare for the silence, and even no loneliness dwelled in my heart.

But then suddenly, that man came. He was wearing his grey coat, made the situation even brighter. Yeah, the darkness was so perfect, that even a grey one could be shining. He came over me, with a strange smile embedded in his lips. His steps were very light, as if he was floating in the air, stepping on the coral of silence.

“Halt, human!” he said in an instance. And in that moment, I felt that the silence is moving.

“Hail, sir!” answered me quickly. At that time, the aura of solitude covered me as if it was a big and thick cloak. The cold breeze of northern gust caressing my outer layer of my body.

“I am Doma. The angel of silence, ruler of this meadow!” He proclaimed himself loudly, so loud that the shadow and the specter around me knelt before him. I, did also kneeling before him, couldn’t even resist his force and authority.

“Stand up, you little human!” He commanded me with his powerful voice. “Come!”

In an instance, we had walked together around that meadow. The atmosphere had been quieter then, even quieter than before. Solitude had changed from the perfect silence into the sacred and contemplative one. But still, we walked in silence.

“Now, human! Do thy know that this meadow was once brighter than this?”

I shook my head, having no idea what he talked about.

“Yea, it was once a bright meadow, where the sun showering his ray unto those lively trees. It was silent, but a lively silence. Contemplative one. And now……..”

I really had no idea what was he talk about. I just nodded my head softly.

“It is dead silence. I, Doma, the ruler of the meadow, am very unhappy with this. I rule over silence and contemplation, but not the dead one. This is not what I intend to haft! And you know? It changes itself for thou!” said him in rising tone, breaking the silence. And in that moment, all the shadow and the specter were running away with fright. The gust not even dares to blow.

“I did? How come, my lord?”

“Ye haft to know that this is not the exile. Ye may not exile thyself here. Nay anger, regret, nor pity is allowed here, because it is meant to be the one for self reflection! The meadow is not meant to be a wasteland of doom and pity, but a shrine to achieve betterment and enlightment. Once anger, regret, and pity enter, it will adjust itself as thine mood!”

Hearing what he said, my heart was trembling. I didn’t mean to break anything in my own pity, only looking for a place to runaway and locking my entire self from the crowd.

“I didn’t mean to……”

“Nay words shall come from thine mouth, filthy creature. You are pitiful, lesser human! Now, move out!”

His voice kept rising in pitch, and his anger seemed to devour me in a bottomless hole. He stared at me, and in a glance, I felt his anger. It’s not even an anger, but endless fury, for I had ruined his land.

“Go away! Back to thine place! Ye art not welcome hither!” proclaimed him in a very powerful tone, absolute command that I couldn’t resist. I turned back and walked my path away from the land.

“Thank you for your patron. Then, just let me back to my world! I don’t need a place like this to pity myself! Let me just struggle with this pain which broke me inside. Hell with the pity!” shouted I.

Minute later, I was tempted to look back at him, and I got nothing there. The shadows were vanished, and the barren land changed into green and silent meadow. As with the changes, the pity and regret in my heart suddenly gone. It went away with the specters. Suddenly my lips were moving and formed a very nice smile, and I felt the hand of Doma on my shoulder.

Yeah, he gave me his permission to stay.

Cinta Sendiri

Kau ungkapkan, kepadaku
Kan ada saatnya nanti, engkau milikku satu
Kumenunggu, dalam bimbang
Adakah sungguhnya aku, kasih yang kau inginkan
Biar aku yang pergi, bila tak juga pasti
Adakah selama ini, aku cinta sendiri
Biar aku menepi, bukan lelah menanti,
Namun apalah artinya, cinta pada bayangan
Pedih, aku rasakan, kenyataannya
Cinta tak harus slalu miliki.
Jujur, aku tak yakin bisa
Jalani hari tanpa dirimu.........
Namun, apalah artinya, cinta pada bayangan??
(Cinta Sendiri, Kahitna)

Itulah lagu dari Kahitna yang belakangan ini baru jadi soundtrack of my days. Tiap pagi, selalu saja lagu itu yang berkumandang dari speaker komputerku..... Entah napa, kayanya lagu itu baru in aja buat kupingku...

Jujur sih, postingan blog ini (dan juga lirik lagunya), kutujukan buat seseorang yang ada di list friendsku di fs.... Sejak pertama aku ngeliat dia, kayanya love at the first sight deh, tapi gak berani kulanjutin.... Benih-benih cinta itu baru mulai berkembang ketika ia menyiraminya dengan segudang harapan, beberapa kencan, dan perhatian yang disampaikannya melalui pesan-pesan singkat di telepon genggamku. Berawal dari itulah, aku memutskan untuk berani mengambil langkah maju......

Ketika aku sudah memasuki hubungan yang lebih lanjut (or, at least I thought!)...., tiba-tiba pesan-pesan dan perhatian itu menghilang begitu saja. Ketika aku sudah memutuskan harapanku untuk mendapatkan hatinya, tiba-tiba saja ia masuk kembali ke dalam hidupku dan memberikan kehangatan yang telah hilang..... Terus saja seperti itu, tarik dan ulur tidak hentinya... Bahkan, di sela tarik ulur itu, ia sempat menjalin hubungan dengan seorang cowok lain (yang memang lebih dekat dengannya, dari segi usia dan dunia... I’m just way too old for her!).... Ketika ia putus dengan cowok itu, ia pun masih sempet curhat sama aku.
Aku terus terang, bingung dan nggak dong sama cewek satu ini. Apa seh sebenernya maunya??? Dan entah kenapa, sejak aku mulai dapet MP3 lagunya Kahitna yang ini (thanks to my best pren, Rurie!!!!), kayanya ini nyadarin aku dan ngasih aku kekuatan untuk bisa lepas dari pengaruh cewek ini.... Aku mulai berpikir, apakah benar aku selama ini cinta pada bayangan?? Apa sebenarnya ia memang hanya memanfaatkan dan mempermainkanku??

PS : Buatmu, wahai sang wanita.... Janganlah menggoda aku lagi. Biarkan aku tetap hidup di tengah kesendirianku (yang memang telah kupilih ini....).. Carilah seseorang yang memang lebih dekat denganmu, baik dari segi usia, dari segi dunia, dan pandangan hidup. Aku memang bukan untukmu.... Bye!