The road to Ph.D is never an easy path. Some people were actually wondering, "You were only applying for the programme on late March, yet on June you already received the scholarship notification. That is an express counter!" But little did they know the long process behind this acceptance.
It was started in the beginning of 2012 (yes, far in the past). Being recently separated from the academic nuances of Cambridge, I felt the longing to scientific discussion. The real discussion, in which I did not need to chant "Children's Literature 101" for the sparring partners. So, when I saw some Call For Papers in some countries, I was suddenly motivated to send mine. There were three children's literature conferences I applied; San Fransisco, Canberra, and Taipei. Still clear in mind, it was on January 2012, when my spirit was burning even paying no attention to the potential funding problem.
First email came from San Fransisco, stating that they did not have any place for me and Risang (it was a collaborative paper). Canberra followed after, but with better news. It was quite funny to recall the revelation moment, as I was teaching TOEFL-Preparation class. Being such a procastinating teacher, internet was something unavoidable (especially while waiting for the students finishing their reading exercises). That was the moment when an email came from Tony Eaton confirming my acceptance. Still maintaining a poker face, I excused myself to go out (letting the students assuming I went for a loo break). Yet, in front of the door, the poker face changed instantly into a wide smile and stormed me into Simon's office. Taipei was no different from that moment, again in the TOEFL-Prep class. Looking back at those coincidences, TOEFL-Prep might be my good luck charm......
Canberra was my very first international conference. Knowing nothing about Australia, I went alone and self-funded (do not get me started on funding issue from my previous employer!). During the presentation, I met Kit Kelen, a professor from University of Macao, who became my moderator. Well, complication happen when my (now) ex got into the argument. The question my ex asked was, "So, how was the conference? Did you get any job offer or scholarship offer?" When I answer not yet, the response was "So, now you realise that your field is not profitable! Just go and change your subject while you still can!"
It hurt, like seriously. To be frank, which fool expects to get any scholarship offer or job offer on the first debut? But I took the words seriously and started doubting my choice. Is children's literature not that profitable? Am I bad enough that no opportunity waved over me? The words blurred my initial intention of joining conferences for the sake of enriching the knowledge and enlarging the network. Yes, I made a fool out of myself (no) thanks to the ex......
We broke up in August, yet not merely because of the conference in Canberra. The relationship trauma emerging fueled me to look for further escapade in the academia. Taipei still awaited me on November, for my third international conference (the second one in Malaysia is not closely related to children's literature). The determination to better myself as a distraction motivated me to write better and to be more focused. I was no longer thinking about any offer or possibility to continue the study. For me, those conferences would just be some entries in my CV as well as some experiences.
Surprisingly, I saw a familiar name in the participant list; Kit Kelen. Well, it certainly did not hurt to contact him through facebook asking about his participation. Furthermore, it's always nice to know one person or two in a coming conference.
Yet, this is the start of my further contact and discussion with him. It came as a surprise when he told me about his research and opening of Ph.D position. To think about everything, this is not an easy road and journey. The path was not paved in just one or two months, but years. And who said that joining those self-funded international conferences was useless?
Monday, June 17, 2013
The Road to Ph.D #1 : A(n) (Im)Possible Dream
If one asked me, “What do you want to achieve?” then the answer would be quite easy. I always have this dream of obtaining my doctoral degree before turning 31. Yes, being such a blabbermouth, lots of people know about this! Some people might say that I am living an unrealistic dream or simply point out that my obsession is bigger than my own ass. Well, I am a big dreamer after all.
One can always justify this choice of mine by quoting Paulo Coelho’s saying, “When you want something sobad, the universe will conspire to make it true!” Yet to be fair, I have lost the hopes of achieving that dream countless of time. Lots and lots of people told me that I need to focus more on the job seeking, shifting my ass from the part-time job I had into a real job. Then, building a family (getting marriedand conceiving offspring) should follow. “Get back to the real world and stop dreaming of being in heaven!”
The very first discouraging moment came when I finished my Master study. Instead of getting a rocketing score of my dream, the final score was far from my expectation. Worse, my score was below the standard to continue my Ph.D in that university. Comparing myself to some friends of mine who continued their doctoral degree there, the lowly feeling started emerging. The big question lingering in mind was “Am I even fit to enter the academia world?”. This is where self-doubt started coming, when I doubted my own ability, when I felt like a failure, and when I beat myself up. It was the point when I felt being castrated from the academia root.
“Let me just focus on being a professional lecturer!” said I. Yes, I gave up the hope for Ph.D! It was not until I saw an opening for a Ph.D position in Sweden. No, it was not in Children’s Literature, but a Comparative Literature instead. A mere speculation. Yet I anxiously waited for the announcement. My age started to reach 26 then. Quite a critical moment to fulfill the ambition, eh? When the email from Sweden suddenly came, it was an empty one. EMPTY email, with nothing., not even a subject. (Now, can I have a back sound of a glass breaking?)
You could call the rejection from Sweden as a final blow to my ambition. It motivated me to really pull my life together and look for a proper job. No more fooling around waiting for Ph.D! No more exhausting part-time jobs!
Did I completely lose my ambition? Well, deep in my heart, there was still a sparkling hope, flickering.Told you, I am a stubborn one! Even during my interview for the proper job, I answered, “I will not move to another institution except when there’s a scholarship offer!”
So, I moved to another town,started a new job, started a new relationship, built a new circle of friends,and completely restarted my life. In the first day of 2013, if I may add. With this perfect time frame, I thought of casting aside the effort to look for scholarships. Let me just be an ordinary man, an ordinary office goer, and an ordinary worker. At least for a year, the hibernating period.
And what did I get? Apparently Big Boss sure loves to play His divine jokes on me. All of a sudden, an opportunity came. Without really hoping of getting accepted (remember my resolution?),I applied for this Ph.D position. Made lots of mistakes in the application,made lots of blunder in the process, but what happened?
I GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP! A FULL ONE!
And what about the limit I set on myself? Well, if I finish it on time, my doctoral degree will come exactly when I am 30 year old!!! I guess, this is the advantage of never stop dreaming……..
One can always justify this choice of mine by quoting Paulo Coelho’s saying, “When you want something sobad, the universe will conspire to make it true!” Yet to be fair, I have lost the hopes of achieving that dream countless of time. Lots and lots of people told me that I need to focus more on the job seeking, shifting my ass from the part-time job I had into a real job. Then, building a family (getting marriedand conceiving offspring) should follow. “Get back to the real world and stop dreaming of being in heaven!”
The very first discouraging moment came when I finished my Master study. Instead of getting a rocketing score of my dream, the final score was far from my expectation. Worse, my score was below the standard to continue my Ph.D in that university. Comparing myself to some friends of mine who continued their doctoral degree there, the lowly feeling started emerging. The big question lingering in mind was “Am I even fit to enter the academia world?”. This is where self-doubt started coming, when I doubted my own ability, when I felt like a failure, and when I beat myself up. It was the point when I felt being castrated from the academia root.
“Let me just focus on being a professional lecturer!” said I. Yes, I gave up the hope for Ph.D! It was not until I saw an opening for a Ph.D position in Sweden. No, it was not in Children’s Literature, but a Comparative Literature instead. A mere speculation. Yet I anxiously waited for the announcement. My age started to reach 26 then. Quite a critical moment to fulfill the ambition, eh? When the email from Sweden suddenly came, it was an empty one. EMPTY email, with nothing., not even a subject. (Now, can I have a back sound of a glass breaking?)
You could call the rejection from Sweden as a final blow to my ambition. It motivated me to really pull my life together and look for a proper job. No more fooling around waiting for Ph.D! No more exhausting part-time jobs!
Did I completely lose my ambition? Well, deep in my heart, there was still a sparkling hope, flickering.Told you, I am a stubborn one! Even during my interview for the proper job, I answered, “I will not move to another institution except when there’s a scholarship offer!”
So, I moved to another town,started a new job, started a new relationship, built a new circle of friends,and completely restarted my life. In the first day of 2013, if I may add. With this perfect time frame, I thought of casting aside the effort to look for scholarships. Let me just be an ordinary man, an ordinary office goer, and an ordinary worker. At least for a year, the hibernating period.
And what did I get? Apparently Big Boss sure loves to play His divine jokes on me. All of a sudden, an opportunity came. Without really hoping of getting accepted (remember my resolution?),I applied for this Ph.D position. Made lots of mistakes in the application,made lots of blunder in the process, but what happened?
I GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP! A FULL ONE!
And what about the limit I set on myself? Well, if I finish it on time, my doctoral degree will come exactly when I am 30 year old!!! I guess, this is the advantage of never stop dreaming……..
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