Friday, February 08, 2008

My Best Friend's Wedding

Well, this is not about anyone’s wedding. The title was taken from one of Julia Roberts’ movie, My Best Friend’s Wedding. A movie that I long wanted to see, and just recently afforded it. Yet, seeing the movie an hour ago, I sense something and again, got carried away with some deep thought.
I feel that I was in the same shoes with Julliane, seeing best friend who is engaged and ready to wed. And at that time, she realized that she is actually in love with the guy.
Well, in my case, there is no wedding yet, and I’m not falling into my guy friend. This is about one of my best friend, whom I have known for several years (Yeah, I won’t mention the number, so you wouldn’t guess it easily!). For these years, I thought we would stay as friends, best friend. But it turned out that, on the other hand, I want to be there for her, sharing and easing her burden, keep protecting her, as well as comforting and consoling her problem. All these years, she has been someone I can trust for most of my problem (yet, not all.. There’re some problems I keep for myself, though!).
I felt very jealous when she commited relationship with some guys (and beat me, I also felt very glad when she finally broke up). Well, probably it’s because most people also felt that she wouldn’t get along with those boys. I just didn’t realize it......
But, now that I realize it, will I take a step forward?
Well, I may be just a coward, who have no courage to step further, because the fright of ruined friendship, because she care of another guy, and because she couldn’t choose me in some circumstances......
So, watching the ending of the movie, in which Julliane let Michael married Kimmy, the same thing flashed over my mind too. That someday, I will have to attend her marriage, and seeing her in other guy’s embrace. That I cannot have her. And worse, that she will never know my true feeling towards her.
Hence, it will stay deep inside my soul, bearing regret, and thus rotting.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Post-Colonialism & Queer Theory

Reading the introduction to Post-Colonialism, I met this amazing woman named Gayatri Spivak. So unfortunate, my time and resource was not enough for me to explore her idea. Yet, I made a promise that I will do so.
What interesting in her idea is that the repression happened has been happened since the colonial era. And this colonialism is not merely limited to the historical repression, but broad to the colonization of cultural hegemony. So basically, every repressed culture is a result of colonialism.
More interesting thing came in the point of the creation of the others. So, basically, the hegemony placed them in the top of the world and placed those outside their criteria as the others, and therefore alienated them to prove that they have the power enough to exile others. In other extend, the creation of the others also serve as the matter to show their superiority. This is a matter of comparative. You can’t be called the superior one if there is no the inferior one!
Well, Spivak also said that the third world countries are actually a concept made by the Western world to show their superiority towards Non-Western world. Hence, in this case, the Non-Western world is the other created by the superior one.
But what happened within the Western world themselves? Is there no the others? No, they still have the others within them, such as the immigrant, WOMEN, homosexual, etc.
Yet, reading this concept of the others reminds me of the ancient concept of Yin Yang, which shows the balance of the world. Where there is a black speck within the white part, and vice versa. That there are the others within the superior one, a minority in terms of power or amount.
The development of this theory in turn gave birth to the Queer Theory. (Okay, you guys out there, shut up! This may have something to do with what had happened, but this is quite interesting anyway. And, I will discuss it in general, not specific only to a single matter!)

> What is queer theory? Is this somehow related to the concept of queer as in homosexual?
>> Yeah, you wish! Nope, queer here means strange, outworldly, and dealing with minority.

> Minority? Isn’t that?

>> Well, homosexual is a minority, and so does WOMAN, immigrant, non-westerner, handicapped, and many others!

> Dealing with woman? So, this has something to do with feminism?

>> Well, I could say that their root is similar, post-colonialism.

> Similar? So why should there be this theory, while we already have feminism?

>> Hmm, can say that this is like the umbrella. Feminism deals with woman, while queer theory deals with everything that is ‘queer’ in itself.

> So, what is this queer theory about?

>> This queer theory basically deals with the queer phenomenon, analyzing the phenomenon in depth, or within them. Not to mention that it tries not to compare it to the mainstream culture.

> So, you investigate homosexual without touching about heterosexual, and thus being non-judgmental?

>> Well, you could say so. Or by taking some parts from feminism, it’s not how to have equality in all parts, but recognized and honoring woman’s right, to let woman do what they can do without forcing equality in both party, because by nature, they have been innately different.

> And that’s what happened with Queer As Folk?

>> Aaaargh!!!!!!! Think widely, dude!!!

> This is Queer theory anyway. Queer theory and Queer as Folk. Both have the word queer!!!

>> Aaaaargh!!! Let’s just end this discussion here. I will continue discussing this once I’ve read more Spivak, and once I’ve gotten rid of this nuisance!!!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Console and Irony

I've just finished my lunch, thus ending my first date this week. Yet, what I called dates aren't exactly a real date. Say for example, this date was with a woman who is seeing another people.

She met up with me a year ago, while she was seeing another guy also. Living together under certain circumstances made us grow closer and closer each day. To be honest, I have this feeling for her. But as a good friend, I don;t want to wreck her relationship. But God said otherwise, her relationship was ruined 11 months later. Well, I think it was my chance......

Again, my love life turned into hell for times... When she ended up her relationship with that guy, she was approaching this another guy. Well, as a friend, I gave her my support.

But in just two months, her relationship is on in the verge of destruction. She often called me late at night for about 1 - 1,5 hours, sharing her part of story in that relationship. Hey, she trusted me, she cried on my shoulder, and thus seeking comfort in my being. Not physically, though. This is just a metaphor. But this attitude is what I'm seeking, I'm striving. To give and share my comfort, to have someone crying on my shoulder, seeking console from me.

I am so moved and touched. It's like I want to be there for her, to console her anytime, as well as embrace her in my arms. I was needed, and that's what make me feel alive. Truly, I feel useless when I am not doing anything, when anyone just passed by, ignoring me.........

This feeling alive is so beautiful. But my beautiful dream ended in an instant when remembering her engaged in a certain relationship. And that my task is to give her my support, not wrecking her relationship. God, this is ironic!

Friday, February 01, 2008

Mask Removal

Yesterday, I met one of my friends. Out of nothing, I suddenly let my guard down and showed my true face, what lies behind this cold mask. (Trust me, I never did that. I still don't know how can that happened!)

You know what my friend said?

"You know what you need? You need someone to understand you, who can console and comfort you in time of need, who can offer a shoulder to cry on should you sad, and who can provide hug and warmth. You don't really need to have commitment with that one, as long as both of you are happy when the other is happy. One who can provide support and encouragement when you are down, and ready to let you go anytime you want to go.

"You need a friend! With whom you can be yourself, remove your mask and admitting your burden. I know that you have that heavy burden on your shoulder, and keep trying to carry it yourself. You'll be dead! Because you have to share that burden!"

And you know what? I still can't easily remove this expressionless face!