My Unborn Child

When I sat quietly in my room, your image came across my mind. And slowly but sure, my tears rolled on my cheek. The palpitating bosom came upon me, and I couldn't breathe for a moment.

I remember every moment that I spent with you and your mother. I reminisce the time when we decided to pick a name for you, right after we found out that you are a boy. Your mum insisted give you a western name, while I really wanted to name you Seto. Yea, Seto, after the main character of Burung-Burung Manyar by Mangunwijaya. He stroke my soul the first time I read the book. A very strong character who believed in himself. Ready to face the consequences of every path he took, even brave enough to admit his mistake when he knew that he is wrong. And at the end, he remained unmarried and took care of his lover's boy.

Herbumi, your last name came from two Javanese words, Her and Bumi. Her means water, and bumi means earth. The combination of those two elements will create and nurture life itself. From the womb of mother earth, the seed will find the warmth and grow into life. However, without the water, any seed will not be able to grow bigger. This is where her takes part.

Those philosophies formed your complete name. Alexander Setadewa Herbumi.

Your mother and I talked about you the whole time. We were really expecting you, full of love. We planned everything, everything. Our friends knew all about you, pouring their hearts to you. Supporting me and your mom.

I sacrificed my time to take care of you, considering my busy schedule back then. I was still in my sixth semester, got so many classes and assignments. Teachings, projects, as well as having my SPD classes. But I didn't feel tired at all. I did them all for you, for my son.

I already imagined how will I spend my life with you, how will I play together with you, teach you how to be a real man, have a conversation about man's problem. I might not be perfect, but I will try to be the best dad you ever met.

But God's plan is not our plan. We arrived into that fateful moment, and POOF! All of our dreams faded away in an instant. You were gone. I might still be young and restless back then, but I do care about you. People might say that my problem was over with your departure from our life.

Ah, what do they know? It was one of the biggest loss in my life. My child, my son! And at the same time I lost you, I lost your mom as well. We were drifted apart by the loss, the tears created a great rift between us.

Well, who am I lamenting here? But I couldn't help but recalling you. Chanting your name in every second of my prayer. Revisiting you in my every dream each night. What I can do right now is only praying for you, realizing that even though you are gone from this material world, you will not forget your parents. I believe with my own heart, that you will watch over us. And you went first to prepare special place for us, and that one day we will be together again. In eternity.....

Bye, Seto.....