Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Mantan Terindah

You never forget your first. And maybe that’s the reason why I can never erase you from my memory, from my brain. But really, who can easily forget their first relationship?

‘Tir’, that’s how I always refer to you. That nickname always invokes an image of a girl with oversized frisbee as her weapon, a female fighter from Soul Calibur series. Ahaha, such a typical geeky reference, isn’t it? But didn’t we have those gaming moments together? Those were the times when you kind of breaking my confidence (and my winning streak) in Tekken 5 and Soul Calibur 3. How often can a man share his video game moments with his significant other (not to mention being beaten repeatedly)?

I got back at you by showing up in front of your door, carrying in my hand a bouquet of white and yellow roses. Your expression at that time was just too precious to forget. I could even see a big question mark formed on your forehead, along with your shaky voice and trembling hands. It was the night when I finally got enough courage to ask you to walk our life together.

But if I have to be very honest now, please allow me to confess. You were beautiful to me for erasing my doubt then. Recalling those years, I really had massive hesitation to be in a relationship. Before you, I was this close to go steady with a girl I met in my class. My heart said that having a relationship before going for my master study was a stupid decision. That was why I didn’t follow up the approach with her. You, Tir, was a different case. You had me at our first meeting; you trapped me in that gentle hug and sweet conversation. Those things culminated in that very night, inside the roses.

I came with my share of baggage, a gigantic memory from my first love, terrible moments from several months before I met you, and my family problem. They always scared people off, both before and after you. It didn’t happen with you, though. You seemed to handle everything normally, even made it easier for me to deal with them. We understood each other, also in being a social butterfly. Hanging out with our friends never seem to cause any problem for both of us. Nobody felt neglected, we understand the concept of our own times and private spaces.

With all those, I naturally thought that we would last. No. We were still young and stupid back then. You are my first; I am also your first. We couldn’t handle all those emotional roller coasters, all the turmoil and frictions. Both of our naïve minds called it off on Christmas Eve. (And today I just read that Agnetha and Benny from ABBA also splited up on Christmas Eve. Well, maybe nothing significant, just my random mind wandering around)

After the separation, we still retain that chemistry. You were there, in my every relationship and in their demise. You were hurt every time, and I am sorry for that. It was never of my intention to hurt you. Every time we tried to rekindle the flame, I was always the one putting that off. Maybe I am the bastard of our connection, constantly grafting new scars in you. Maybe you won’t believe me again when I said that it was unintentional. But you were always there. How can I not be moved?

Each and every time, you can always lift me up again. We may walk our own road right now, with no light of meeting up again; but you were always there to cheer me. In your own way, in your own time. How can I forget our conversation of Marcell’s song? How can I forget our skype sessions?

Last night, you were there when I was down. You provided me with ears to listen, you gave me a virtual lap when I can sleep on for a while, and you provided me with the warmth I need in this cold winter, cold heart, cold soul. I was able to finally sleep in peace, knowing that there was one thing I did right in the past. You. Yes, you.

Talking to you is slapping me with some senses, that at least for one person, I was precious. Instead of wiping off my tears from heartbroken, you instilled laughter in my heart. It was fun. You made everything fun. Or should I say, you made fun of everything. And it worked!!!

This morning, as I woke up from my slumber, one song came to mind. Mantan Terindah. And it reminds me of you.


So I wrote this for you, a small gratitude of what you’ve done to me…..

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