The Road to Ph.D #2: Conferences

The road to Ph.D is never an easy path. Some people were actually wondering, "You were only applying for the programme on late March, yet on June you already received the scholarship notification. That is an express counter!" But little did they know the long process behind this acceptance.

It was started in the beginning of 2012 (yes, far in the past). Being recently separated from the academic nuances of Cambridge, I felt the longing to scientific discussion. The real discussion, in which I did not need to chant "Children's Literature 101" for the sparring partners. So, when I saw some Call For Papers in some countries, I was suddenly motivated to send mine. There were three children's literature conferences I applied; San Fransisco, Canberra, and Taipei. Still clear in mind, it was on January 2012, when my spirit was burning even paying no attention to the potential funding problem.

First email came from San Fransisco, stating that they did not have any place for me and Risang (it was a collaborative paper). Canberra followed after, but with better news. It was quite funny to recall the revelation moment, as I was teaching TOEFL-Preparation class. Being such a procastinating teacher, internet was something unavoidable (especially while waiting for the students finishing their reading exercises). That was the moment when an email came from Tony Eaton confirming my acceptance. Still maintaining a poker face, I excused myself to go out (letting the students assuming I went for a loo break). Yet, in front of the door, the poker face changed instantly into a wide smile and stormed me into Simon's office. Taipei was no different from that moment, again in the TOEFL-Prep class. Looking back at those coincidences, TOEFL-Prep might be my good luck charm......

Canberra was my very first international conference. Knowing nothing about Australia, I went alone and self-funded (do not get me started on funding issue from my previous employer!). During the presentation, I met Kit Kelen, a professor from University of Macao, who became my moderator. Well, complication happen when my (now) ex got into the argument. The question my ex asked was, "So, how was the conference? Did you get any job offer or scholarship offer?" When I answer not yet, the response was "So, now you realise that your field is not profitable! Just go and change your subject while you still can!"

It hurt, like seriously. To be frank, which fool expects to get any scholarship offer or job offer on the first debut? But I took the words seriously and started doubting my choice. Is children's literature not that profitable? Am I bad enough that no opportunity waved over me? The words blurred my initial intention of joining conferences for the sake of enriching the knowledge and enlarging the network. Yes, I made a fool out of myself (no) thanks to the ex......

We broke up in August, yet not merely because of the conference in Canberra. The relationship trauma emerging fueled me to look for further escapade in the academia. Taipei still awaited me on November, for my third international conference (the second one in Malaysia is not closely related to children's literature). The determination to better myself as a distraction motivated me to write better and to be more focused. I was no longer thinking about any offer or possibility to continue the study. For me, those conferences would just be some entries in my CV as well as some experiences.

Surprisingly, I saw a familiar name in the participant list; Kit Kelen. Well, it certainly did not hurt to contact him through facebook asking about his participation. Furthermore, it's always nice to know one person or two in a coming conference.

Yet, this is the start of my further contact and discussion with him. It came as a surprise when he told me about his research and opening of Ph.D position. To think about everything, this is not an easy road and journey. The path was not paved in just one or two months, but years. And who said that joining those self-funded international conferences was useless?

The Road to Ph.D #1 : A(n) (Im)Possible Dream

If one asked me, “What do you want to achieve?” then the answer would be quite easy. I always have this dream of obtaining my doctoral degree before turning 31. Yes, being such a blabbermouth, lots of people know about this! Some people might say that I am living an unrealistic dream or simply point out that my obsession is bigger than my own ass. Well, I am a big dreamer after all.

One can always justify this choice of mine by quoting Paulo Coelho’s saying, “When you want something sobad, the universe will conspire to make it true!” Yet to be fair, I have lost the hopes of achieving that dream countless of time. Lots and lots of people told me that I need to focus more on the job seeking, shifting my ass from the part-time job I had into a real job. Then, building a family (getting marriedand conceiving offspring) should follow. “Get back to the real world and stop dreaming of being in heaven!”

The very first discouraging moment came when I finished my Master study. Instead of getting a rocketing score of my dream, the final score was far from my expectation. Worse, my score was below the standard to continue my Ph.D in that university. Comparing myself to some friends of mine who continued their doctoral degree there, the lowly feeling started emerging. The big question lingering in mind was “Am I even fit to enter the academia world?”. This is where self-doubt started coming, when I doubted my own ability, when I felt like a failure, and when I beat myself up. It was the point when I felt being castrated from the academia root.

“Let me just focus on being a professional lecturer!” said I. Yes, I gave up the hope for Ph.D! It was not until I saw an opening for a Ph.D position in Sweden. No, it was not in Children’s Literature, but a Comparative Literature instead. A mere speculation. Yet I anxiously waited for the announcement. My age started to reach 26 then. Quite a critical moment to fulfill the ambition, eh? When the email from Sweden suddenly came, it was an empty one. EMPTY email, with nothing., not even a subject. (Now, can I have a back sound of a glass breaking?)

You could call the rejection from Sweden as a final blow to my ambition. It motivated me to really pull my life together and look for a proper job. No more fooling around waiting for Ph.D! No more exhausting part-time jobs!
Did I completely lose my ambition? Well, deep in my heart, there was still a sparkling hope, flickering.Told you, I am a stubborn one! Even during my interview for the proper job, I answered, “I will not move to another institution except when there’s a scholarship offer!”

So, I moved to another town,started a new job, started a new relationship, built a new circle of friends,and completely restarted my life. In the first day of 2013, if I may add. With this perfect time frame, I thought of casting aside the effort to look for scholarships. Let me just be an ordinary man, an ordinary office goer, and an ordinary worker. At least for a year, the hibernating period.

And what did I get? Apparently Big Boss sure loves to play His divine jokes on me. All of a sudden, an opportunity came. Without really hoping of getting accepted (remember my resolution?),I applied for this Ph.D position. Made lots of mistakes in the application,made lots of blunder in the process, but what happened?

I GOT THE SCHOLARSHIP! A FULL ONE!

And what about the limit I set on myself? Well, if I finish it on time, my doctoral degree will come exactly when I am 30 year old!!! I guess, this is the advantage of never stop dreaming……..

Segelibat Pikir di Hari Buruh

Tiba-tiba beberapa hari ini saya merasa sangat tidak aman dan panik dengan kondisi pekerjaan dan financial saya di Jakarta. Semua berawal dari pertanyaan seorang mantan mahasiswa yang baru saja diterima bekerja di daerah dekat tempat saya tinggal saat ini. Dia sontak terkaget-kaget ketika mengetahui harga sewa kost di seputaran daerah tersebut. Menurut gadis muda ini, dengan biaya semahal itu kemungkinan besar dia tidak akan bisa menabung. Ironisnya, gaji awal si mahasiswi ini sebenarnya jauh lebih besar dari gajiku.

Peristiwa inilah yang mulai menarik pemicu dari semua kegalauan dan kecemasan selama beberapa hari belakangan. Ditambah lagi mulai muncul rasa cemas dengan status di kantor dan birokrasi DIKTI yang semakin tidak jelas saja. Dan yang walaupun mungkin sudah menjadi pengetahuan umum, kondisi Jakarta dan para penduduknya yang sangat konsumtif. Entah, bolehkah saya menyebut bahwa uang dan ekonomi yang menjadi mesin penggerak utama kehidupan di ibukota ini? Semua orang nampaknya berlomba-lomba mengumpulkan uang sebanyak-banyaknya untuk kemudian berpartisipasi dalam lomba lain menghabiskan uang sebanyak-banyaknya.

Dan persis di hari buruh ini, saya merenungkan kembali sejarah kehidupan saya hingga saat ini. Apakah saya orang yang tergerak oleh keinginan menjadi orang kaya dan mendapatkan uang sebanyak-banyaknya? Ataukah saya sudah mulai terpengaruh oleh pola kehidupan di Jakarta?

Pelit dan gila kerja memang sudah menjadi cap yang melekat semenjak beberapa tahun belakangan ini. Teman-teman kerja di Yogya menganggap saya sebagai orang yang tidak pernah berhenti bekerja demi mencari uang, bahkan dengan mengorbankan banyak waktu saya. Tapi yang mereka lupakan adalah bahwa dalam paruh kedua tahun kemarin saya sengaja bekerja dengan sangat keras untuk melupakan sesuatu, untuk mengalihkan pikiran saya dari sebuah trauma besar yang menghantui.

Siang ini, di meja ini, di tengah kepanikan dan kecemasan saya, sebuah suara hati perlahan berbisik dan bertanya, “Bagaimanakah kamu hidup selama ini?”

Itulah yang menjadi sebuah titik terang. Saya adalah seorang bohemian yang memuja ilmu pengetahuan dan bukan harta. Bukankah prinsip ini yang dulu sempat membawa kehancuran pada hubungan saya sebelum ini? Bukankah saya memutuskan untuk memilih sakit hati daripada mengubah pandangan hidup saya?

Dibesarkan di Yogyakarta membawa saya hidup layaknya orang-orang Yogya yang selalu mencoba sareh dan sumeleh. Mencoba untuk selalu bersyukur dan menikmati apa saja yang ada, tidak peduli seberapa banyak yang dipegang. Jika memang sedang berkekurangan, mungkin memang berarti sedang saatnya harus hidup kurang. Bukankah hidup itu layaknya roda? Tak terkecuali masalah ekonomi. Dan apabila urip kuwi mung mampir ngombe, kenapa tidak kita nikmati saja apapun minuman yang disediakan? Secangkir kopi kadang terasa hangat, kadang terasa pahit, kadang tawar, tapi kadang juga manis. Tapi, bukankah itu dinamika dalam menikmati si kopi? Segala sesuatunya hanya harus dinikmati, bukan untuk dibandingkan.  

Saya bertanya lagi kepada diri saya sendiri, apa lagi sih yang harus ditakutkan? Bukankah saya sudah pernah mengalami kelaparan selama seminggu sewaktu musim dingin sendirian tanpa teman di asrama? Bukankah saya juga sudah pernah berlatih makan dan memasak di bawah manajemen kepepet, saat-saat dimana daging thethelan sudah menjadi sesuatu makanan yang sangat mewah? Tidak bahagiakah saya waktu itu? Saya merasa sama bahagianya dengan teman-teman lain.

The grass is always greener on the other side, eh? “Urip iku wang sinawang,” begitu kata seorang teman. Jadi, kenapa saya harus kembali merasa iri dan tidak aman? Mungkin saatnya saya mengembalikan mindset burung pipit saja dipelihara oleh Tuhan, apalagi saya.

Selamat hari buruh, semuanya!

An Encounter with Sarasvati

Inside the bleak darkness coming from the closing of my eyes, the lips and tongue moved by their own and started chanting “Om Aing Sarasvati Namaha”. The Sarasvati mantra was never an alien thing for me, for it kept being repeated in various occasions. The Devi had already become my own mother, the personal matron for me who chased after knowledge. Million of times had the mantra been chanted in my journey of preparing each every teaching session, spoken with the hope of acquiring the perfect blessing for me, “The Tongue of Sarasvati”.

Drenched in sweat bestowed by the burning heat of midday sun rays on the peak of Mount Lawu, my flesh merged slowly with Candi Cetho’s upmost level stone floor. Along with the coming of the complete silence –occasionally broken by the mantra chant or eagle’s shriek, my mind and soul began shifting into different realm; the realm where I saw a long scroll mapping the logical flow of my mind.

Inside the solace I started to be pensive on my desire to continue the study, on the opportunity for advance education and the thirst for knowledge. It was the point where everything was translated into contemporary concepts, that my thirst for knowledge means I am thirsty for the secret behind this material world. Did that mean my thirst is equal to the thirst of blood ruling over the ancient conquerors? Wasn’t I trying to collect the ammunition to start the invasion and expansion over world dominion? Wouldn’t that be similar to my intention to sit on the peak of the world?

In a present context, I am the alternate form of savage knight. Yet the difference lies in the sword we’re wielding. Instead of harnessing an iron Zweihander, I am wielding the sharp rapier of knowledge and words. Does that transform me into a knight of Sarasvati? The servant of earthly and ascetic knowledge? Then, how does that put me in the grander context of the earth we’re living on nowadays?

Beseeching the divine power from Ma Sarasvati, the chanting kept going on and on. People might think I’m going on a trance when suddenly the darkness before my eyes turned into bluish hue. I knew something would come, but no fear nor anxiety embraced me that very moment. And there I saw, a swan flew towards me out of the blue. Not just an ordinary swan, the white vahanna swan of Sarasvati Devi. Within the next seconds, I saw Her. The goddess herself appeared before me with all of her glorious attributes, the sitar, the flower, and the four arms protruding from the back.

She did not open her lips at all, yet I could hear her saying. The divine mother of arts and knowledge told me that I did not need the divine power from her or any other deities. Gods and goddesses are just mere human beings who had perfected one of their aspects. The chanted mantra was not essentially to summon the deities, but to call upon the gods and goddesses lied inside their own soul. Everybody is essentially divine beings, yet people just need to realize that potency. What she specially told me was that I did not need any divine intervention from the deities, for from within me the power had already overflowed.

Then in a glance the Divine Mother left me back in the solitude. I knew I was grounded back to the earth. And I opened my eyes slowly.

"Daerah" : Hasil Normativitas "Jakarta"

Setelah tinggal beberapa bulan di Jakarta, saya masih merasa sangat aneh dengan sebuah kata yang sering digunakan penduduknya. Sebuah kata sederhana yang memiliki banyak arti, tetapi sudah direduksi menjadi sebuah istilah derogatif, “daerah”. Memang beberapa waktu yang lalu, saya sempat menulis mengenai kolonialisasi yang dilakukan oleh penduduk Jakarta melalui pembentukan identitas mereka. Tetapi baru setelah merasakan hidup di tengah-tengah belantara ibukota, saya merasakan kuatnya politik identitas ini.

Hampir setiap orang di Jakarta menggunakan kata-kata “daerah” untuk membedakan kualitas mereka dengan kampung halaman mereka. Selalu ada perbedaan antara “Jakarta” dan “daerah”, walaupun tidak selalu “daerah” diidentikkan dengan hal-hal yang negatif. Yang menarik disini, dikotomi “Jakarta” dan “daerah” ini seolah membagi dua kawasan Indonesia ini menjadi Jakarta dan non-Jakarta. Dikotomi ini membawa konsekuensi generalisasi karakterisasi “daerah”. Tanpa melihat perbedaan budaya di setiap daerah, “Jakarta” menyamaratakan karakter “daerah”. Dalam hal ini, mereka lupa bahwa “daerah” pun memiliki kekhasan masing-masing, tergantung region dan letak geografisnya.

Hal ini mau tidak maumengingatkan saya pada kritik Edward Said mengenai kolonialisasi budaya, yangmenghasilkan “White” dan “Oriental”. Pada kerangka berpikir ini, “oriental” tidak memiliki kekuasaan untuk mendefinisikan diri mereka sendiri. Penggambaran“oriental” yang muncul berawal dari stereotype dan stigma yang dipegang oleh “White”. Begitu pula yang terjadi dalam dikotomi kuasa “Jakarta – daerah” ini. “Daerah”vtidak diberikan kesempatan untuk mengolah karakteristik mereka yang berbeda,tidak pula diberikan ruang pengakuan akan adanya banyak variasi “daerah”.

Kelompok “Jakarta” mengambil alih puncak dinamika kuasa yang ada sehingga mereka merasa memiliki otoritas untuk mendefinisikan yang lain –yang pada gilirannya mereduksi keberagaman yang ada.Memang, puncak dinamika kuasa dalam pembentukan dikotomi ini dimulai dari besarnya kemampuan dan kekuatan financial yang dimiliki oleh “Jakarta”. Darikapasitas ekonomi ini, mulailah muncul sebuah pembentukan hegemoni kebudayaan yang secara otomatis menempatkan dirinya sendiri di ujung pyramid dan menjadi pusat dari seluruh kebudayaan negara. Dengan meluasnya kuasa dan pengaruh kebudayaan (yang juga dimediasi oleh media massa dan daring) ke “daerah”, mulailah muncul sebuah normativitas. Normativitas kebudayaan modern yang harusdimiliki oleh semua orang, pemaksaan nilai oleh “Jakarta” kepada “daerah” mulai terbentuk karena didorong oleh hegemoni kuasa ini.

Yang cukup menarik untuk dilihat adalah karakteristik asli “Jakarta” sebagai kumpulan dari migrant (yang berasaldari “daerah”). Penyeberangan para migran ini ke dalam pusat hegemoni telah memberikan motivasi kepada mereka untuk mencari aman dan masuk ke dalamnormativitas yang dibentuk oleh pemegang kuasa. Di sinilah kasus politik identitas mulai terlihat, bagaimana sebuah kuasa dan normativitas memaksa “Others”/”Oriental” untuk meninggalkan identitas mereka dan masuk ke dalam stabilitas dan keamanan,dengan cara menjual identitas mereka yang telah terepresi. Bahkan banyak diantara mereka –yang setelah masuk ke dalam struktur normativitas- mulai melakukan reduksi terhadap kerabat dan bahkan masa lalu mereka sendiri.

Menilik fenomena ini darikacamata kritik Derrida mengenai dikotomi yang menyebutkan anggapan bahwasebuah identitas dibentuk dengan cara “othering others”, saya tergelitik untukmenanyakan alasan tidak adanya dekonstruksi sosial yang berusaha dilakukan.Sebegitu lemahnya kah kekuatan identitas “Jakarta” itu sendiri sehingga mereka mencoba meraih legitimasi dan justifikasi eksistensi mereka melalui generalisasi “daerah”? Baik Derrida, Said, maupun Nodelman mengkritisi pembentukan identitas melalui dikotomi ini sebagai salah satu bentuk insecurity dari konstruksi yang ada. Dengan represi (yang dapat dilihat sebagai kekerasan terselubung ini), bukankah hal ini mengikuti alur pemikiran kuasa dan kekerasan dari Arrendt? Di mana sebenarnya kuasa ini tidak serta merta harus dicapai melalui sebuah represi?

Pertanyaan saya yang paling utama, sebegitu lemahnya kah konsep identitas banyak manusia Indonesia? Mengapa tidak banyak resistensi kebudayaan melawan dikotomi kuasa identitas ini?

Mungkinkah konsep dinamika kuasa dan dikotomi melalui kekerasan terselubung inilah yang membuat manusia Indonesia tidak terbuka dengan penerimaan? Atau malah tidak adanya penerimaan itu yang membentuk dikotomi menyebalkan ini?

God knows…..