Prayer and the Tears

I couldn't sleep, just rolling around my bed with my eyes closed. Trying to grasp some resting moments. But the image keeps reeling in my brain, just like newest movie teaser. Yes, literally a teaser, since it kept teasing me, disturbing my peaceful slumber.

Suddenly I heard a familiar melody, Chrono Trigger main theme. It was already 4.45 in the morning. The end of my bedtime. Damn! I slept from 10 at night, woke up at 4.45, but not even a sense of refreshness came.

I jumped out of my bed, and intuitively grabbed my rosary. Went up to the second floor, and saw that things are too bright. I decided to turn off the light, cleaned some spots in the floor, exactly in front of my small Pieta statue. Went down again to look for a lighter, and lighted up three candles in front of Pieta.

Why Pieta? Probably because I remembered when my friend told me, Pieta is the beginning and the ending of Jesus' life. He was born from Mary, and back to Mary in His death. The whole pain that Mary had to bear.

I made a sign of cross. No, I couldn't started my rosary prayer. Tears rolled in my cheeks. Damn! "God, I just don't know what to do. I tried to chant the rosary prayer, to look for empowerement, but it made me cried even more!"

I touched the small cross. "I believe in one God, the father, the almighty,......" Bead by bead in that section was touched by my fingers. It came to the beginning of the first ten Hail Mary.

I stopped. My tears bursted. Couldn't handle it any longer. "Good God, I know this pain is nothing compared to your passion to Calvary. But I needed a break, really. I have found a lover, someone who care for me. Yet, You still lay a path of stone for me! How long should I bear this wounded body?"

Tear by tear fell into the beads as I recite, "Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee....."

After finishing the first ten, I barely sobbed. I calmed down, my emotion was soothed. I started imagining that somebody supported me, like Mary supported Jesus. Continuing my second-ten-Hail Mary, I did them calmly. But on the tenth bead, I couldn't hold it any longer. I want Mother Mary, who support her son whatever path He chose. Bearing the pain of embarassement, but She hold that for her love to Christ.

It was just unlike somebody that I know, who can even throw knife at me many times. Those images kept reeling over my mind. The broomstick over my whole body, the duster over my back, all the bumps on head. I saw the flashback, complete with the voice of thrown plates, broken glass, and flying knives. The scar on my left cheek. Where she is supposed to be my Mother Mary.

I stopped my prayer again. "God, I need somebody to support me. I wanted somebody to walk hand in hand with me. I know you gave me that already, but we just cannot make it until the condition is clear! It will still a long way to go, not until I live my own life."

The next ten Hail Mary were decorated with constant sobbing and rolling tears. I grabbed the bead tighter, trying to put my mind at ease in the dark of the dusk. My mouth kept reciting the prayers, but my mind wandered around.

Where were you, dear lady, when the world turned against me? You didn't provide a shelter, yet you were in the side of the rest. Where were you when I tried so hard to stand firm over the attack? You were the hardest attacker. Just in time when I need a shoulder to cry on and trust, you threw me away with disgust. You threw me away from your home, and your re-acceptance was filled with suspicions.

I got home with bruises in my body, made by the children. You gave me that love, yet some moments later, you added more bruises. In my body, and in my heart. I came home, seeking a shelter, for I was exiled for being different, and you exiled me as well. For a whole week, I couldn't hear any word from you.

At that time, I was totally jealous with Jesus. He had Mary, as a worldly place to turn to. The one who stood before him in the time of passion. The one who stood before the cross. And the one who gave a silent cry while having His body over her knees.

Amen. Finished. "God, guide me through my journey by these beads. I know things are painful, but it might be for a greater sake. For my plan is not Your plan. But I cannot make it myself, just lend me Your power and please stay beside me. Let it happen to me according to Your wish, for I am your mere vessel!"